


Burning scars

by 2BWonkyo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Basketball, Childhood Trauma, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I know it's november dont recall me, M/M, My First Smut, Near Death Experiences, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunions, Smut, Summer, alternative universe, changki rise, dont judge, gore?, it's a lil cute, it's not so gorry i swear, just a gay mess really, oh and
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:26:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2BWonkyo/pseuds/2BWonkyo
Summary: Kihyun has hidden a burn scar on his back for 10 years, a mark he tries to forget until 18 years old Im Changkyun shows up in front of him, one horrible summer day."I'm the stupid kid that put his house on fire... Thank you so much."
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	Burning scars

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to @Kihyunski for beta reading this and giving me advices, she's awesome and you should check her works!!!!

Heat has always brought problems to Kihyun.

Basketball is already an exhausting sport, so when his friends suggested playing it outside in the park, under the burning sun, he sighed but agreed anyway. He only does it because he likes the thrill of the game. Unless, he is having a good time, his body will cry in pain tomorrow, waking up with sore muscles and just _tiredness_. Kihyun will blame the heat at a hundred percent. His 25 years old body may grow old too fast for his liking, he can’t say he isn’t in shape. Maybe in a few years, perhaps, he will be able to give an excuse to Jooheon, who always wins over him, but not today. The losing routine has been by his side since his teenage years, a time that feels so far behind yet still so fresh in his mind.

Nostalgia sadly isn’t an emotion required during a game, so when he snaps back to reality and realises he lost again, Kihyun groans, leaving the court to catch a water bottle on a bench.

“Keep drinking, maybe you’ll get more muscles.” Hyungwon comes behind him, tapping his shoulder before putting a wet towel on it. The cold cloth over his neck immediately cools him off. If he had no pride, Kihyun would’ve sighed out of pleasure.

But he indeed has one, and he appreciates the caring gesture, but it doesn’t ease the hate he has for his friend. The older man seems lazy and weak at first glance, which he physically is despite his titanic height, except he knows how to use his brain properly, always imagining the best (or worst) stategies to win against Kihyun and make him go mad, _even during a heat wave, fuck._

Hyungwon enjoys watching him suffering. So no, he has no gratitude for this man. “I’ll start to cheat with no shame if you keep playing with my nerves.”

“Stop lying, I know you still have some pride as a player. After all those years.” Hyungwon is _teasing_ him, for fuck’s sake.

“My pride as a player really wants to slap you right now.” Kihyun drinks, soothing his longing dry throat. He regrets letting it under the sun and not in the shade as the liquid heated up a little. Everything is so dirty and nasty. His clothes glued to his skin, the repulsive sweat odor, his feet crying to be freed from their shoes, his wet hair sticking to his forehead and his face that is surely red. He could be in a microwave and you wouldn’t see the difference.

It’s so hot.

_Hot like this day._

“Hey,” Minhyuk, or the sunshine Kihyun value not evil enough to stop being his friend (although anything sun related gets on his nerves so easily nowadays), comes to him from the opposite side of the field, hand raised. Kihyun looks at him, raising his eyebrows to show him that he listens as he keeps drinking. He didn’t see Minhyuk step out the fencing surrounding the court to secure the roads once the game paused. It arouses his curiosity.

“Do you know a Changkyun?”

Kihyun swallows.

_He does._

“Why?”

That name slept somewhere in the depth of his mind for 10 years already.

“I don’t know, the dude says he wanna talk to you.”

“Huh?” Kihyun freezes.

He remembers a certain night. When he was only fifteen and the kid was eight.

He remembers burning and suffocating.

He remembers the praises and smiles he got, but how the trauma destroyed him.

He wants to forget it.

The mention of the kid’s name triggers memories he tried to bury. They all flash before his eyes in a second.

The pleasant surprise when he saw a firework rise in the dark sky through his window in the middle of a homework session vanished once his nostrils noticed a burning smell. _He remembers._

According to the media the next day, his neighbor’s child lit a firework from his balcony, setting the apartment on fire. In the heat of the moment, he didn’t know this certain information. All he could do was focus on the yells of one of his siblings, abruptly entering his room saying smoke submerged the apartment block’s stairwell. They all got out fastly without their parents, the latters working at night. Kihyun’s big sister ran down the stairs to get outside, holding the youngest girl by her hand. He was about to follow when he heard some crying noises.

He remembers how his body stiffed, unable to move. He couldn’t ignore how the door across theirs, besides the stairs, was the source of this smoke and where the cry came from. A fire had begun and a kid was probably alone in this hell.

 _It’s okay, I can let this to an adult, or maybe the firefighters. No need to take risks._ Kihyun thought but the thing was; both homes were on the last floor of the building. No adult was going down the stairs to escape a possible collapse or would stop and help out as nobody lived above. _By the time external help comes, the kid may die._

Kihyun felt his heart ramming in his chest, barely registering his own mouth loudly saying to his sisters to leave without him. His voice resonated between the corridor’s walls, and before the echoes could vanish, the former 15 years old boy rushed and opened the door that thankfully wasn’t locked. Inside, the amount of smoke was like no other, making its way to his lungs and eyes, burning each layer of skin and flesh. He coughed dry, tears forming by the toxicity. Cries could still be heard, and honestly, Kihyun wondered how. Fear started to spread all over his body, legs shaking when he blindly walked in the dark smoke through what seemed to be the corridor. He wanted to leave, turn around and hug his sisters when he saw the huge flames crackling, eating an unrecognizable piece of furniture. Orange and black colors flashy overwhelmed his pupils, now that the unbearable heat hit him.

 _I’m going to die._ He thought.

Then the ceiling cracked. Kihyun yelled, crouching down into a ball to protect his fragile body. A loud and heavy crash made the floor tremble so much the boy didn’t know if he was shaking from a panic attack or from the disaster he was assisting to.

A few seconds later, he couldn’t see anyone. The ceiling at a corner of the room gave up on its weight, far enough to spare Kihyun, who let out some tears. He was terrified. If his legs hadn’t given up on him, he would’ve ran away. As cowardly as it sounds. He would’ve abandoned the kid. The same kid that kept crying, terror evident in his sobs. Unbearable sobs.

He doesn’t know how, but Kihyun stood back up, walking next to a couch, grabbing on it to not fall, slowly approaching the distressed calls. Once he touched a window that he noticed to be an opened glass door (despite his blurry and crying eyes), he recognized a balcony. And then, he breathed again. Kihyun was light headed, gasping for fresh air.

That’s when he saw him.

Huddled up, on the floor, back against the railing, and shaking to death and because of this precise moment, Kihyun can’t say he regrets going there.

“Hey! Stand up, we have to leave!” He yelled with a rough voice, crouching in front of the younger who raised his head from his arms, wrapped around his knees. Red cheeks full of tears, but an empty stare. When the little boy looked up, Kihyun didn’t see any emotions in his eyes. He was drained, letting himself be lifted up and carried. At that time, Kihyun severely lacked muscles, so he told the kid to support himself around his neck with his thin arms. A protective instinct took over Kihyun as he placed a hand on the back of his head. The boy dropped his chin on his shoulder, and they were ready to go.

“Try to hold your breath as long as you can.” Kihyun said and felt a nod in the crook of his neck. A step back inside, smoke attacked them once again. The fire spread faster, harder, to the point that he couldn’t make out the floor from the ceiling. He gulped, tightening his grip and hiding his nose in the younger’s hair.

 _Hang on a little longer._ He had thought. But once he managed to approach the door leading to the stairwell, the kid tapped his back fast, drawing his attention.

“Mommy…!” And Kihyun realized the evidence.

There was an adult inside.

Of course such a young child couldn’t be left alone at home. But then, where was his mother?

He didn't know and even if he did, flames could catch them anytime. He shouldn’t underestimate the countdown that the blaze put on their lives.

“Where is she?!”

He asked.

The kid pointed out a door, a few meters away from them, and Kihyun thought he could make it. Perhaps, by skirting the burning bookcase and kicking the weakened door. But then sobs came right through his eardrums, with violents coughs. Breathing became painful and the boy needed pure air, and fast.

Kihyun was stuck in a dilemma.

Everything hurt. His throat on a grill, or their red skin heating up like in an oven, making his head turn. Consciousness slowly leaving his body.

So he left.

Walked to the door, then the corridor, then stairs. But once on the landing space between these u-shaped stairs and far enough from the smoke, Kihyun put the kid down, caressing his hair.

“I’m coming back fast, don’t move, okay?”

Before receiving any answer between sobs, he turned around, running up the stairs two by two. This time, he took the collar of his shirt and pinched his nose, heading in the apartment once again. The temperature was unbearable, melting his skin, drowning it in sweat. So he hurried to the door the kid pointed out. The faster he found her, the sooner he would be out. He tried to avoid stepping on the burning books on the floor, kicking the door with his foot. The metallic handle probably being hotter than the flames themselves.

Then came the costly mistake.

Kihyun didn’t think the kick would be powerful enough to make the walls quake a little. A shelf of the bookcase broke and fell on his back, tearing up the shirt and pressing against the skin. Kihyun shouted out of pain, feeling the lesion stabbing him to the core.

Hands on the floor, he gave out under his weight, hissing behind his teeth. He closed his eyes tightly, quick to pass his hand above his shoulder to unstick his shirt from the throbbing wound. A sob escaped his lips and he opened his watering puffy eyes.

He shouldn’t have.

In front of him, a view that allowed him to forget his agony for a second. Kihyun’s eyes opened wide: _found her._

The woman was on the floor, in a room that the boy didn’t care one bit to analyse. Flesh, blood, and fire. A bloodbath less than a meter apart from him, her face laying on the red pubble.

Flames were devouring her hair and skin, making it flop on the floor like a gum. Eyes on the verge of bursting out of their sockets.

When he got out, the kid was still waiting for Kihyun in the stairs. He took him in his arms again fast to find some firefighters outside. A first aid worker took the kid out of his arms quickly to put him on a ventilator and they never saw each other again.

But that wasn’t what bothered his mind when some doctors treated his back, when his sisters hugged him, or when his parents arrived to them in tears. No. It was her face, half burned and inhuman, lying dead on the floor. He heard his own scream again and again.

The sight itself provoked something deep in his heart, an ugly feeling. The weeks following the accident, he dreamed of it and threw up at night. Kihyun wished the memory would eventually go away, alleviate, hell he could be brainwashed if it meant he wouldn’t think about her ever again.

Every morning, he wakes up and every morning, his wish is not granted.

It has been ten years. His back still marked, branded of a scar that will haunt him to his grave. According to his memories, he was told that the woman had trouble breathing from birth. She must have fainted because of the smoke, and the fire did the rest.

The rest led to Kihyun's trauma.

He wants to forget, act like nothing ever happened but it isn’t possible when “the kid” quoted all this long stands now in front of him, all grown up and chewing his lower lip like he’s going to cry. Holding back the few tears left after he was snatched from Kihyun as a kid.

They waited for this long to be freed and yet they didn’t rot. Intact, shining and alive, running down the boy’s cheeks. It may have been ten years but in their mind, this blaze that changed their lives happened yesterday.

A stupidly cute toothless smile appears on Changkyun’s lips, a stab on his heart paining it. It hurts to see him, Kihyun had to be honest. But he can’t lie to himself, it feels so good too, to see that his sacrificed mental health paid off. The crying child who almost took his last gasp under the toxic smoke kept living, eating, growing up to this around 20 years old body. Which is taller, not so fragile anymore as bigger clothes hide it well. They share the same height and corpulence; Kihyun struggles to believe he took him in his arms when the boy was way smaller. Except he did, and Changkyun really stands in front of him right now. With his sharp shaped eyes, red cheeks covered with baby fat and a long fringe hiding his straight eyebrows.

_Unrecognizable, yet so… so Changkyun._

“Hello… You probably forgot me but…”

_I didn’t._

“I’m the stupid kid that put his house on fire.”

_I know._

“Thank you so much.”

Changkyun lowers his head, bowing all the way forward. To the deeply reverent act of gratitude.

For a second, two and three, Kihyun stops counting. The day has been frustrating so far. The sun attacked him for hours (maybe warning him, in the end), making him dirty and reeking, and perhaps, he looks _like shit._ Simply caught out, everything but decent.

Yet he doesn’t care. _Fuck it._ He listens to his legs like he did back then, walks forward the kid, under the questioning stares of his friends that he ignores. At that time, he let his instinct win, so be it now.

_Changkyun deserves this._

The younger one raises his head a little when he notices the steps. His eyes don't get the time to meet Kihyun’s, when arms get wrapped around his neck. A hand pats his hair and a last tear falls off his brown pupils. They hugged so naturally, like time told them to.

“Thank you.” Changkyun found him again.

The man that saved his life, the man from the video clip extracted from the tv news his dad kept showing him all these years so he doesn’t forget. The man he wanted to thank at all costs.

Maybe, one day, Changkyun will tell him how he found his social media a long time ago and kept admiring him, dreaming about sliding in his direct messages as impatient as he is. But he wanted to meet him face to face, so he didn’t, and had to wait to be old enough to take the train alone and cross the country without worrying his father.

He waited for so long that he can’t believe he is hugging _him_ right now.

“Thank you so much,” he repeats, gripping Kihyun’s shirt on his hips to embrace each other. Breathing on their necks, chest on chest. Changkyun’s mind goes blank. Birds sing in the background, relaxing him. He feels his clothes and skin getting wet while sunburns sleep with an open eye, watching over them.

It isn’t comfortable, still he wants to stay there forever.

Eventually, Kihyun moves, releasing him and Changkyun understands it’s over. He thinks of their goodbyes, soon, too soon, it hurts him to know he has to eventually live without that man in his life, but he can’t force him.

On his side, Kihyun is calm, hypnotized when his fingers put some strands of hair out of Changkyun’s eyes right behind his ears. The latter lets him do so, watching him. The video dates back to 2010, so its quality doesn’t match the high definition centimeters-apart-close vision of the older’s face. If he wants to admire that face and fix it in his memory, it’s now or never.

_As beautiful inside and out._

“It’s nice to meet you.” Changkyun hears his voice for the first time, matured in a manlier yet a soft tone. He likes it.

“Yeah.” He nods.

Kihyun lightly bows his head in a friendly way, peering back to take his water bottle.

“C-Can we talk?” Changkyun asks, heart squeezing. He considered the possibility of Kihyun not remembering him or not caring about their meeting as much as he does, and he shouldn't give such a desperate and weak image of himself, because Kihyun has to be proud of what he did, has to understand that his act gave a chance to a child, someone who didn't know the value of life yet, to become an adult and experience life like anyone does. Changkyun has to show he isn’t the sensitive cry baby he was anymore but he is truly happy, so happy to meet him that it would be a crime to pretend it’s not the case.

He wants to talk to him. That’s all he wishes for.

“I don’t know…” and Kihyun doesn’t develop, doesn’t even look back at him, drying his hair with a towel.

_It’s not reciprocated._

“Can anyone explain what’s happening? Because we are for sure missing something here.” Minhyuk breaks the silence, and Changkyun remembers the older man has some friends around who saw their entire interaction. That’s embarrassing.

Kihyun rolls his eyes, “Nothing much, we should go-”

“Are you Kihyun’s friend?” Minhyuk ignores him and bows a little, head tilting to meet Changkyun’s eyes, stuck on the floor.

The younger stutters, hesitating. Kihyun doesn’t seem to want his friends to know. “He- helped- saved me… from an accident. When I was young…” he whispers, very unsure, and when he looks at Kihyun, the man has no expression on his face, disregarding him and almost holding a sigh.

_That hurts._

“Really…?! Kihyun, I didn’t know you were a superhero!!” Minhyuk yells at his friend, a huge smile on the face shining under the sun, and before Kihyun can retort, Minhyuk turns to a distressed Changkyun again, taking a tight grip on his tense shoulders. “Have a drink with us, come on!!”

“I- I don’t think-” Changkyun feels a tap on his back and jumps, taken aback by the man’s energy.

“Min, let him go.” Kihyun says with an annoyed tone.

“But it’s your first meeting since then right?! He wants to talk to you!” Minhyuk releases the boy, more or less scolding Kihyun. During a second, Changkyun worries he might have started a fight, but Kihyun groans, giving up.

“Fine.” He looks at Changkyun again who had his brown puppy eyes convince him. “But no way in hell that you guys are coming with us.”

“I think he’s mad that he lost,” Hyungwon snorts, sitting on the bench. The whole argument being an entertaining show to his eyes.

“I hope you don’t mind coming to my place, because I have to take a shower.” Kihyun ignores the man, speaking to Changkyun once he regains his composure.

Changkyun shakes his head, as he smiles again. _Finally._ He won’t make assumptions not to be disappointed, but deep down, he hopes they can be friends. Kihyun is nice so far, they wouldn’t have hugged, otherwise. Like that, Kihyun offers a ride to his house, which he gladly accepts. _Never follow strangers,_ parents say. Only if it’s _this_ stranger, it’s more than okay, because Changkyun trusts him with his life and soul.

Literally.

During the ride, he thinks about it, and if his cheeks could get any redder after the heat wave’s job, he would have blushed. Changkyun may have physically changed, but Kihyun did too, with wider shoulders, sharper facial features, and a serious aura, a focused expression he wears even when driving. Behind the wheel, he actually looks twenty five, deepening their age gape.

_It sucks._

Kihyun knows the younger is tensed on the passenger seat, stressing and overthinking. He feels it, but doesn’t comment on it, biting back a smile. _That’s cute._

“Changkyun-ah?” He calls, catching the other’s attention off the landscape. “How did you find me?”

Gulping, Changkyun wonders if he won’t freak him out if he reveals he created private accounts on diverse social media to follow him for years now. “I searched your name on twitter… and you wrote you would play outside today. And you take a lot of pictures so I guessed the city… and the place”

“I see,” Kihyun isn’t surprised; his username being his first and last name, all in one word. “You live near?”

The younger plays with his fingers on his laps, voice low. “Not really, I came by train…”

“Just to thank me?”

“I really wanted to…”

Stopping at a red light, Kihyun casts a glance at him, and two points leaped out. The boy - that he should call a man and get used to the glow up - looks down, sad or disappointed, Kihyun doesn’t know him enough to understand how he expresses his emotions. In any case, it’s nothing good.

And second, his nose.

For the first time, Kihyun can actually see his profile side, admiring how high his bridge is. Very controversial for an asian, even if it suits him. That contrasts much with his past 8 years old self, who had an innocent and cute appearance.

_That still stands though. 2020 Changkyun is just… sexy._

“I’m sorry.” Kihyun focuses on the road. There has to be a rightful apology. “It’s not that I didn’t want to meet you…” He explains himself as he holds the wheel tightly, taking his attitude in consideration. “You just came out of the nowhere, I don’t know how to act at all.”

Next to him, Changkyun relaxes, nodding to himself. A weight got taken off his shoulders, to his greatest relief. “It’s okay if you’re not very comfortable with me yet. Honestly, I thought you forgot me.” He laughs with that robotic-dull voice of his. He’s a stiff nervous wreck too far gone to be impervious to anything the older says or do.

_God, save him._

“It marked me too, of course I remember you.” Kihyun admits. He’s genuinely happy to meet him. But he can’t smile, regarding the harm it caused.

_Mentally and physically._

“I’m surprised _you_ remember. You were so young.” He raises his eyebrows. Memories are so fresh, he almost still feels Changkyun’s 8 years old self crying in his arms.

_So crazy._

“Remember how we made it to the news the next day?”

_He remembers._

Kihyun hated it.

His parents talked about how proud they were of him for months and every single person he met congratulated him, saying he was a brave kid, a _hero,_ but each time the accident was mentioned, flashes of the dying woman tortured him. When he cried, people didn’t understand. He couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t have comfort. He couldn’t say he was so scared by then that he almost ran away and let a toddler burn.

_He wasn’t a hero. He was a kid that needed a hug._

Even though Changkyun wouldn’t understand his point of view.

So instead of responding he hums. “My dad and I have been going to my mother’s grave on weekends since then. So I’m constantly reminded of the accident.”

Kihyun tries not to react at her mention, but his heart sure skipped a beat.

“Besides I kept the video clip of the news… when you got out, carrying me.”

“How embarrassing,”

“I think you were cool.” Changkyun smiles, appreciating where the conversation is going.

_Spot on._

“How can you…” Kihyun blinks, and frustration grows. “How can you talk about it so happily, just how?”

The boy surely ended up traumatised by fire, that took his home and mother away from him. A lethal combination of events in a row, he technically shouldn’t be so sane when Kihyun himself can’t deal with his own experience of the accident, way less worse.

_So how._

“I just accepted it with time…” Changkyun uses a lower tone, which makes Kihyun regret his harsh words. “And the idea of meeting you helped me to cheer up. I was excited, and I could think of that day without feeling like crying, because when I know there’s good people like you out there, it warms my heart…”

That sentence startled the older.

Basically saying, he was the source of someone’s happiness for years without even knowing them. They never talked, weren’t friends, nothing but strangers. Yet they met and distorted each other’s lives irreveribly, forging an unique and strong bond.

Kihyun feels suddenly so pathetic that he has to hold himself from crying.

If only they met sooner. Maybe Kihyun wouldn’t have had such a hard time throughout his life.

“I understand that it may be heavy for you, all of that… Of course, I admire you a lot, but I don’t want to force you to be my friend. I am already really happy that I got to see you face to face, so thank you so much.” Shyly, Changkyun bows his head a little, _once again,_ and returns his attention to the window, without waiting for an answer.

_Selflessness._

Changkyun stays polite, kind, patient, and doesn’t ask for more than he already gets. A pure soul.

_It wouldn’t hurt, right?_

“How old are you?” he asks.

“Eh? Ah, eighteen. It’s still young but I’m mature and-”

“No, I’m not asking for that.” Kihynn chuckles inwardly. “I just wanna know more about my new friend.”

Even though he can’t see it, parking the vehicle before his place, he feels the way Changkyun’s eyes open round, wondering if he heard that right. For the first time, he smiles from ear to ear, letting behind those toothless ones.

_Not that bad._

Kihyun sees how harmless getting to know him would be, only doing good. Maybe today’s marks would turn another page of his life. He dreads the consequences, but is ready to face them. If their friendship doesn't work out, then _that's it_. At least he would have tried.  
Seeing that his trauma has at least a good side, enabling the world to have such a good person to reassure him.

"Go sit on the couch, I'll be back shortly." Kihyun says, making his way to the bathroom once they arrived inside his place.

The younger watches him disappear behind a door, doing as he was told to. Hands on his laps and back straight up, he hears his heart beating in his chest in this silence. It isn't heavy though, a large window in the living room giving him a view of the garden, covered in flowers and high trees. He relaxes, enjoying the fan on the ceiling.

So this is where Kihyun lives?

Changkyun is fascinated by every detail concerning him, eager to know what kind of person he admired all this time. For now, he knows Kihyun is mature, sophisticated and plays basketball. He may be losing, but he stayed so invested in the game that Changkyun couldn't look away. He liked to see the man energetic, sweating and determined. For a second, he was intimidated, thinking _maybe,_ it was a bad idea to come. Kihyun had a life without him and disturbing his peace felt wrong.

Thank god this sunshine guy noticed him, and now the one he dreamed to meet showers passed the other side of the wall. He should calm his heart and his hands from shaking or Kihyun will believe he's here against his will.

"Hey, are you okay?" _speaking of the devil._

"Oh, yeah, just nervous." Changkyun raises his eyes, surprised that Kihyun indeed was fast to shower. Or he spent too much time focusing on keeping some calm exterior that the clock turned faster behind his back.

The older man wears large black pants with socks and an oversized brown shirt, hair still wet from the water.

“Make yourself at home, I still haven’t killed anyone.” Kihyun laughs as his glowing red cheeks from the heated water round up, going to the kitchen and turning on the coffee machine. He quickly asks if Changkyun wants one, but receives a negative response and turns to hot chocolate instead.

Don’t question his love for hot beverages during summer.

“...Still?”

“I feel like strangling Minhyuk somedays.”

“Minhyuk?”

“Ah. The friend of mine that talks too much.”

The sunshine guy. Changkyun nods, looking down on his socks, toes sinking in the fluffy rug. He isn’t scared to be killed today, no, Kihyun is too welcoming to be feared. His main preoccupation as a voice, he hears yells saying he _disturbs_. Still, he hopes to be wrong.

By the time these thoughts knock his mind out, he feels the couch lowering. Kihyun came back with two cups that he poses on the coffee table, sitting next to him.

“This one’s for you,” Kihyun tilts his chin toward the white cup and Changkyun takes it without drinking yet because of the heat coming from it, mumbling a little thanks.

After a silence that Kihyun seems to handle way easier (the familiar environment helping), the latter can’t help but smirk. “You look fit and healthy.” He notes and resists the urge to touch Changkyun’s hair. They aren’t close, it would be inappropriate to touch him like this.

“I am…” Changkyun nods to him, smiling. “I’m doing fine, thank you, Hyung.”

And Kihyun’s smile goes wider, snorting as he drops his head. He tried to ignore it, this feeling of curiosity, and happiness, almost like a father who is proud of his son to see him growing to be such a handsome, healthy and polite guy.

He never thought to see him ever again, and yet…

“Excuse me, I’m not making fun of you, I just-” he starts once he notices how Changkyun got unsettled by his sudden laugh. So he keeps on laughing, turning it over to sighing. “You were so, so young, it’s hard to believe you are that kid, I’m sorry.”

“Ah… Hm- Do you want pictures?”

“No, it’s fine, I believe you! Your face didn’t change that much anyway.”

“Ah… Okay okay…” Changkyun nods, shoulders tensed.

“Are you always stressed out or is it because of me? Calm down.” Kihyun says joyfully and ends his laughter, going for straight questions instead. If Changkyun came all the way here, it’s not to be shy.

“Sorry, I- oh my god, I had so many questions to ask you hyung, but I forgot it all, I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you lose time-”

“Stop being so polite, I feel old.” The sarcasm misunderstood, Changkyun’s eyes lower even more. He worries about offending Kihyun, who clearly couldn’t be offended. “Listen, just think of me as a friend, older but… yeah. A friend.”

Kihyun was never good with words, so if with that, Changkyun doesn’t relax, then he will trust his friends when they say he shouldn’t have kids. His tongue is way too harsh.

“But, I mean…” Changkyun starts, voice low and honest. He usually isn’t the type of person to go into deep conversations, opening his heart raw for anyone to see but it’s not like a daily talk with his neighbours that he’s having here. “You’re the reason I’m still alive, flesh and bones in front of you, of course I respect you. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to meet you, hyung…”

Kihyun needs a second to comprehend his mumbled words, speechless. Now, Changkyun’s shaking hands just _make sense._ For years, he heard compliments, praises, best wishes, but it never affected him. Those people weren’t there. They don’t know what happened step by step, they don’t know what kind of thoughts he was having. Yet it was okay, as long as they got an external point of view.

Changkyun was there. Changkyun is the main reason it all happened in the first place. So the stab hurts way more, it stings and burns his heart like a _walk of shame._

“Don’t- Don’t say that.” Kihyun poses his mug on the table and hides his face. His jaw shivered a second. He can’t look at him. “Don’t admire me like that, just don’t.”

The silence now swims heavier than a mist in the air, cut with his unsteady voice, sharp as a blade. “That day, I wasn’t a hero, or anything people call me. I was fucking scared and on the verge to piss my pants, if I wasn’t sure I would have regrets, I wouldn’t have came at all… !”

_That’s said._

Being admired feels good but it has limits and Kihyun received his doses already, that he was ashamed of himself. He doesn’t deserve any respect or love for what he did. He is happy that he saved a kid, but it stops there. That night, he didn’t care for Changkyun. He only thought about the regrets he would feel if he left with cries behind for the little he did, he couldn’t do it right.

_If I arrived a minute earlier, maybe his mother would still be alive, today._

“But… isn’t it normal?”

Kihyun releases the tension his jaw pressed on his teeth inadvertently, feeling his gums going numb for a minute while widening his eyes.

“You know, I did some research, and when a building burst into flames, the fire can reach 1200 degrees. When I first learned about it, I was impressed. I thought “it must have been really scary…” I don’t remember much of that day. But I know that despite the danger, you came…”

Kihyun feels his stomach ache, a knot longing and sleeping there unwilling to let him breathe out of pain. Still, his ears aren’t shutting down a single word. If it comes from this special boy, will the message be conveyed?

“Do you think all the residents of this building that day are bad people because they didn’t come and try to help?”

“No…”

“Then how are you any different?”

_How is he any different?_

There is one thing, only one, that Kihyun always asked himself.

“Anyone would be scared. Plus, you were fifteen... You should be proud!”

_He can’t be proud._

“I-I don’t understand your point, hyung. I really don’t…” Changkyun comes back to his senses, aware that he got carried away, while the lack of reaction from the older hardens the grip around his heart.

Perhaps...

“Do you… Do you regret it?”

These are the words that awaken Kihyun, who looks at the younger like he just saw a ghost.

“What?”

“Do you regret coming? Do you wish you didn’t?”

Kihyun watches, analyzes and just tries to read his face but he couldn’t. Changkyun keeps his head low, expressionless. His mind overheats, thinking too much. When did he fuck up? Where in his speech? What made the boy think he would’ve prefered to let him burn alive by the flames 10 years ago?

“Listen, I didn’t think that far...” He gets it. The slight tremble. It’s barely audible as Changkyun probably (surely) is doing his best not to show it. “I didn’t think you were this affected by it, so I understand if my presence only triggers bad memories-”

“No- I- No! Why did you even… I would never regret that... ” Kihyun answers, mind blank. He pours his thoughts free, without thinking much about it, or about any response Changkyun is currently waiting for, he doesn’t know anymore. The door of his bedroom calls him, and he wishes to be back on his comfy bed, like a few hours ago when the sun didn’t show up yet to knock at his window, urging him to wake up and start this day he couldn’t have expected.

The younger boy seems to understand that Kihyun won’t say any more words, and decides to take an initiative. “Hyung, I will let you have my phone number, so if you want to stay in touch, just contact me for anything, we could just… hang out. And if you don’t want to, well, just ignore it, I guess?” He giggles nervously, and Kihyun feels dumb to lose his composure in front of such an adorable person.

“...Sure.” Kihyun moves his hand up and down his lower face, asking his own body to wake up already, and grabs his cellphone on the table -unlocks it- as he hands it to Changkyun. “Here.”

“O-Oh, yes, thank you.” He bows lightly again, taking the device in two hands.

There’s a light satisfaction in hearing those words. “Stay in touch.” _Naturally._ Kihyun doesn’t doubt, his mind isn’t running forth and back between the idea of going in or out of Changkyun’s life. The answer is clear.

“I’m going to a championship in two weeks wih the boys… A basketball championship. I don’t mind paying your ticket so… wanna come?”

Changkyun smiles, fiddling with his sleeve once he gives the cell phone back. “I’d like to hyung, that’s- that’s really kind,” His smiles grow wider, full of happiness. Kihyun can’t resist moving his cheeks up in a smile. It’s _pleasing._ “But I’m sorry, I live very- very far, I only have some pocket money from my dad and the train today was already expensive, I don’t think I can afford another return ticket this month-”

“Okay, I’ll pay the train ticket too, then. You can come now, right?”

With that, Changkyun mumbles under his breath, hesitant. “I-I don’t know, hyung-”

“I don’t mind, it’s good for me.”

“But aren’t you a student?”

Kihyun blinks, taking a second to think. “How do you know that?”

“Ah- Hm… You mentioned your economic classes being hard… on twitter…”

“Right. You found me there. I have a part-time job in a day care center, so I’m good.” Changkyun watches him in disbelief through his thick hair, to which Kihyun gives him a dubious look. “What?”

“Oh my god, you work with kids and I never knew?!”

Taken aback, Kihyun lets out a nervous laugh. “Yeah?”

“Can I come to see you, one day?!” _Too much energy._

“U-Ugh, outsiders are not really allowed, so…”

Enthusiasm leaves his face like a leaf in the wind, sighing desperately. “I really wanted to…”

It surely was unintended, but Kihyun’s face gets hotter, a flustered smile appearing on his lips by such a display of cuteness. “Okay, I’ll ask my boss, but I can’t promise anything!” Happily, he ruffles Changkyun’s hair because in hell it’s rude, they’re so close already, and it’s so soft he wished he did it sooner.

“Yay! Thank you, hyung!”

Later, Kihyun learns Changkyun already booked a train ticket for the evening, so until there, they watch TV, or rather, they let it turn on while they’re talking for hours about useless facts, funny and sad stories. Until the sun sets down and until Changkyun leaves: Kihyun is happy. He has this warmth in his chest, like old friends meeting again, and being Changkyun’s friend is easy. _So easy._

_Or is it, really?_

Earlier, a question remained unanswered, and thankfully, none of them dropped the subject on the table again. But Kihyun knows: at this rate, if Changkyun genuinely enters his life for good, he will have to talk about it, sooner or later.

He doesn’t deserve the boy’s admiration. He would never.

And yet, after tasting Changkyun’s love, he can’t help but drown in his smile, made for him and him only.

_______

“You’re hella late.”

“I know, I’m sorry~” Kihyun apologises, being out of breath while greeting his friends.

“Let’s go to our seats, I’m tired already, it’s too hot.” Minhyuk complains, sipping his coke.

“Yeah, sure…” Kihyun can’t wait to relax and enjoy the day, since he had to run on the way. He isn’t the kind to be late on events, especially like this one, but _hey, traffic is a bitch._

He finally arrived at the basketball championship. One of his favorite teams is going to play, he wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Especially since Changkyun is coming.

They exchanged some banalities through texts, checking on each other after long days of classes, but this is the second time they officially spend time together and if he has to be honest, he can’t wait for the boy to arrive already.

“Changkyun’s not here yet?” He asks Jooheon, the closest person walking next to him at the moment. The sun attacks them aggressively, almost blinding them, and with the crowd, they prefer to be careful not to bump into anyone or miss a step in the stadium’s stairs.

Kihyun contacted Changkyun a half an hour ago, and the latter affirmed he would be joining them in time. He wanted to take the train and the bus alone to come, despite Kihyun insisting on picking him up. So even though he would arrive late, Changkyun still isn’t here, it worries him a little.

“No idea, haven’t seen him around.” Jooheon says close to his ear, “You’re the one that got his number.”

“Right…” So before they even reach the sitting area, Kihyun rummages through his handbag, grabbing his phone.

**“Hey, I'm looking for you, where are you?”**

Staring at his phone, he waits and waits, but nothing comes. He should be more patient, probably at least for some minutes. Sighing, he locks his phone, making sure to set it on vibrate mode before shoving it in the pocket of his pants.

“Ah guys, that’s right,” Hoseok says -the bulky guy nobody will ever risk to pick a quarrel with, although he actually could never hurt a fly, he is a nice guy, really- “I forgot to tell y’all but, I found Soonyoung on instagram the other day and we got in touch again! He’s here, so he might join us to watch a part of the match later!”

But right now, Kihyun doesn’t really like him.

“Wait. Are we thinking about the same guy?”

“Yeah? Soonyoung. Kwon Soonyoung.”

Kihyun stops his walk to curse at himself. He had expectations for this day. All ruined. “It had to happen to me today…”

“It won’t be that bad~” Jooheon drapes his arms around Kihyun’s shoulder, a little too abruptly, “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m sure he forgot.”

Kihyun looks at the clear sky, _he doubts it._

“Argh you can be so grumpy,” Pushed forward by the younger, Kihyun resigns himself to go. If they’re meant to meet, then so be it. Despite him ready to do anything to avoid this.

His friends leading the way to their seats, his phone vibrates once, twice, thrice in a row in his pocket and Kihyun immediately guesses it’s a call and there are very high chances for it to be from Changkyun, which happens to be right once he reads the boy’s name on display of the dark phone screen.

“Hey, everything’s fine?” He picks up, pressing the phone to his ear. _It’s so fucking loud in there._

“Hm… Hyung.” Changkyun’s faltering speech leads Kihyun to frown his brows harder. “I’m- Well. I’m kinda lost.” A giggle is heard at the other end, but Changkyun sounds too tense.

“Okay, okay- wait.” Kihyun taps Hoseok’s shoulder, making him know that they can continue without him, he has something to do first. Of course, the older nods, and Kihyun’s full attention comes back to the phone. “Where are you?”

“I got off at the wrong bus stop… There’s a church?”

“Ah, the one with an old oak tree in front of it?”

“Thank God, you know where it is.”

“Yeah, you’re actually close, I’ll come and pick you up, how are you dressed? So I can recognize you on the streets.” Kihyun turns around and retraces his steps out of the stadium, faster than he entered it. He was impatient for this game. _Or he still is._

“Dark pants with a white sleeveless shirt… I’m really sorry for this, hyung.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. Don’t move, okay? Or at least don’t stay under the sun, I’m here in twenty minutes.”

“Okay, sure, thank you. See you later.”

“‘Later.” Kihyun hangs up, jogging to his car. For fuck sake, the traffic is a bitch again, but it was worth the annoyance when he sees the boy, sitting on a wreck bench, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his lap. Changkyun doesn’t notice his car parking a dozen feet apart, tapping his fingers together like piano keys, thumbs under his chin. A straight smile fills his cheeks up, in a split second, Kihyun sees the cute baby face changkyun had 10 years ago. _Cute._

“Get your shit together,” He mutters to himself, softly beeping the horn. Through the rear-view mirror, he’s glad to see he is immediately noticed, the straight smile turning into a full teeth one. Kihyun looks away.

“Hey, hyung!” Changkyun opens the passenger door, bowing fast before getting himself inside the car. “I’m sorry again…”

“No problem, are you good?” Kihyun restarts the engine and looks attentively at the road, letting himself slide in.

“Yeah, I didn’t forget anything!”

“No, I mean… Are you okay?” He looks at Changkyun, a second time when the first was too fast _-fucking traffic, he can’t pay attention to what matters._

“Yeah, I’m happy to spend the day with you and the guys. And you?”

“I’m good. But that’s- still not what I meant. Well I’m glad you’re happy to come, but you- I- you-,” He curses under his breath, _just get to the point already._ Pressing his hand on Changkyun’s forehead, he sighs when it doesn’t burn, at least. Both hands on his wheel again, he sees how surprised Changkyun looks, laughing. “You stayed under the sun for quite a while so… be careful of heat strokes.”

“S-Sure. I’ll be careful...” Excitement down, the younger rearranges his bangs, slightly apart so exposes his forehead a little. Added to his sleeveless shirt, he looked nice. Modest, but nice.

“You can put on your playlist, radio is shitty these days.”

“Hyung, you look like someone that likes to listen to classical music only for the nobles, you’re not ready for my on-repeat songs.”

Kihyun huffs, laughing “That’s the vibes I give off? Seriously?!”

“Well~ You look mature~”

“Call me old while you’re at it.”

“No offense, but you have this grandpa style,” Kihyun opens his mouth wide, speechless, “It’s fine though! You look good! It suits you!” The younger muffles his laugh behind his palm as he bumps his shoulder against the window, getting as far as possible from the older.

“Before I kill you, connect your phone, I’ll give you my most honest opinion.”

Changkyun raises his brows, “If you say so,” He gets his phone, connecting the bluetooth to the wifi of the car, “I’ll start soft.”

“What are your non soft songs?”

Changkyun stares at him, a grin on the face that already says everything.

“Are these…” Kihyun cracks a smile, hoping he won’t have to say the words.

A song plays, smoothly, volume down. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Not safe for work.” _Well, they understand each other between adults._ Kihyun chuckles, startled that Changkyun admits it so easily.

“Like?”

“Hm... Miss you, by Corpse.”

“That was cute until I heard the name.”

Changkyun giggles again, and fuck, Kihyun enjoys his voice. It’s melodious.

“That guy is actually a whole softie but his voice is deep as hell.”

“Deeper than yours?”

It was silent for a few seconds.

“Wait that sounded weird-”

“Anyway, do you know this song?” Changkyun changes the subject, for both of their sakes. “You said you were gonna give me your opinion.”

“I know the song already. Tunnels by…. Forgot who.”

“Croosh, Croosh! But nice, you have better taste than I thought.”

And so for the rest of the ride, they shared their favorite artists, from Khalid, Jimmy Collins to Blackbear. Some too romantic songs for Kihyun’s liking but he ignored it, _he had a road to focus on._

The day is going well, so well that he only remembers about that Soonyoung guy when he catches sight of him talking with Jooheon and Hoseok.

“Changkyun!” He hears Minhyuk yelling from afar, arms moving around in the air. “I missed you so much!!” _Bullshit._

They approach them as Kihyun keeps quiet.

“O-Oh, hi Minhyuk hyung.” Changkyun greets, his usual shy facade in front of strangers coming back in a rush. “And…”

“The dimple guy is Jooheon, muscle guy is Hoseok, and this living annoyance himself is Hyungwon-” they all look pretty much offended, but Minhyuk doesn’t pay attention to them, tapping the orange-jacket-wearing-guy’s shoulder. “And here is an old friend we didn’t see for years! Soonyoung!!”

“Hello, everyone,” Changkyun bows to every single one fo them, and judged too polite, they all prefer handshakes, so he greets them a third time properly.

After meeting Changkyun, Soonyoung turns to Kihyun, holding his hand out to him. “Hey, Kihyun, it’s been a while.”

“Hi,” Kihyun answers drily, dismissing the handshake with an attempt of pretending he didn’t see it. He is so disgusted by his own behavior, it can’t get uglier. “Hyungwon, move your ass, you’re sitting on my seat. Changkyun.” The younger hums at the appeal, “The seat beside mine is yours.”

Everyone finally found their assigned places, and Soonyoung really stayed until an old man with his young son asked for the seat he was occupying, and then left to join his own friends somewhere else in the stadium. The game started a few minutes ago, so Changkyun takes this as the perfect moment to drop the question tickling his tongue since nothing interesting happens on the court until now.

“Hyung…?”

“Hm?” Kihyun drinks from his water bottle, watching the game attentively.

“Are you okay?” the whispering worried tone catches Kihyun’s attention.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“You seem… off since we arrived here, is it the heat?”

“What do you mean, “off”? I feel great.”

“You didn’t really greet Soonyoung hyung, and you’re not smiling much, so…”

“It’s just been awhile since I last saw him, it’s weird. And I’m focused on the game.” he drinks again, hardly gulping.

“Did I, perhaps- say something inappropriate in our way here? If so, I’m sorry-”

“No, Changkyun, I’m good, and you did nothing wrong. Drop it. Just- drop it.” He snaps, a little too coldly considering Changkyun wanted to make him feel better. He knows he fucked up when the younger bits his lips and eyes back on the players in silence. Kihyun had put a wall between them and naturally, it hurt Changkyun. It was never his intention to lie, but _this_ is the only thing he would never tell the boy.

So Kihyun sighs, fingers on his exhausted lids, the sun almost burning his retinas. He doesn’t know what to do anymore.

“Changkyun… Is it?” Changkyun bows for the ninth time this day.

“It’s me. I didn’t think I'd see you again.”

“Well, surprise~” Soonyoung grins, standing next to him, apart from the queue. “What are you doing here all alone like a lost puppy?”

“Ah, I’m not lost,” Changkyun laughs, pointing at the stall. “Kihyun wanted to buy everyone snacks, and asked me to come with him to bring everything.”

“Hmm,” moving closer, Soonyoung takes a second to think. “Are you close to him?”

“Close? I don’t know. I’d rather say that I respect him a lot.”

“Why? People usually say they like their friends.”

_… Nosy._

“We became friends recently, to be honest. But I met him in the past, and he helped me a lot, that’s why.” Changkyun remains vague on purpose, feeling uncomfortable to mention such a personal and delicate story that is their first meeting. “You too, right? Minhyuk hyung mentioned you were an old friend. Or perhaps, he hadn’t met Kihyun yet either at that time, so maybe I’m wrong. I’m only guessing…”

“Don’t worry, and I did know him, but not really. Just used to play in the same basketball team in highschool. So, we’re ex-teammates?”

Changkyun nods, checking the time on his watch. The quarter break soon will be over. Kihyun should hurry.

“You should be careful. Around him.”

“Huh?” Dumbfounded, Changkyun looks at him. _He’s still talking? Why is he trying so hard, to say shit like this?_

“Kihyun seems to be a really easy person to figure out, but believe me what’s on his mind is surely not what you think it is.”

“I’m not trying to read him.” He hisses. _Now he understands why Kihyun doesn’t like him that much._

“Just saying. He’s always doing the least expected thing the moment you least expect it.”

“Changkyun?” Kihyun suddenly is in front of them, small packets of snacks in his hands. “The game’s going to start again, let’s go.”

“Wait, I’ll help you carry, give me some.” While Changkyun focuses not to drop anything, Kihyun meet Soonyoung’s eyes, a glare soften by his bangs. The tall man just stares, expressionless for a moment, before sending his friendly smile. And Kihyun leaves, a hand on Changkyun’s back without giving one in return.

Like this, the afternoon goes by, with Kihyun unable to say if he appreciates the day or doesn’t. He avoids Soonyoung, who strangely keeps coming to them, claiming he missed them when they barely discussed during their highschool years. If passes with a basketball can be considered as an exchanging factor. Soonyoung is sometimes caught looking at him, but Kihyun has never been good at faking friendship. Changkyun sensed it since they arrived, and so doesn’t leave his side, commenting about the match when Minhyuk and other traitors were busy talking to _that guy._ What confuses him the most is surely how mesmerizing Changkyun is when he talks. His voice sounds deep, clear-cut, and damn Kihyun has never been into ASMR but these vocal cords have a knack for relaxing him like nothing has ever done before. _It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad at all._ Because Changkyun manages to make him forget about Soonyoung’s presence, even when it made Kihyun’s good mood swing so fast a few hours.

He likes Changkyun’s way with words, he likes the sun shining on his skin, he likes his smile, eye tooth on display, he likes how he can’t drink without marking his lips with a water moustache. He likes how he yells with passion when their favorite team scores a basket.

He just likes the kid. A kid easy to hang out with.

So naturally, it’s as easy to fall into a routine with Changkyun. Kihyun learns fast, he’s a good student to teachers, but he never considered giving lessons. Spending hours talking to someone isn’t his cup of tea, so he should've refused when Changkyun called him one night, sighing after each sentence and begging for help to end an important homework assignment he was struggling with.

Did he refuse, though? Of course not.

Poor boy, all his friends already ditched him, claiming that their understanding abilities in chemistry don’t even go as far as Changkyun’s. Yes, chemistry. It would’ve been a shame if it was Kihyun’s strength when he decided to take _economic classes._ Still, he remembers his highschool years, and he wasn’t that bad at it, so maybe he can be useful to Changkyun, who seems so desperate; cheek lying flat on his desk, on top of papers and _papers._

“Hm… Hello?” Kihyun says to break the silence at the opened door, which makes Changkyun jump in his seat, even though he tried not to scare him.

“Oh, hyung, I didn’t hear you.”

“I noticed,” Kihyun approaches the desk, hands held together behind his back. He leans in to see Changkyun’s homework above the latter’s shoulder so furtively, like whatever is written on these books may curse him. “You seem in distress.”

“New lesson.” Changkyun raises his head to meet Kihyun’s glorious eyes, above his. “And I’m lost.”

Kihyun smiles in a huff, bringing Changkyun’s head down for him to focus on his lesson with a pressure on top of it, hand ruffling his hair -Kihyun loves the sensation, can’t be helped. “What don’t you understand?”

“Hm- I think the right question should be, what do I understand? It could be a good start.” He picks his pen between his steady fingers, ready to keep working. Before their first lesson, Kihyun asked him to revise a little so Changkyun can ask questions once the older arrives, which he has been doing for weeks already, and Kihyun’s lack of teaching skills is very thankful.

“Okay, what is your new lesson about?” Kihyun sits on the chair next to the younger, an old unused seat that became Yoo’s throne each time he would step in the Im family house. It feels good to leave a trail in Changkyun’s home. Their bond strengthens, and if Kihyun wasn’t a fucking 25 years old already, he would’ve been cheesy enough to whisper a soft “hey, let’s be friends for a long time, yeah?” but he knows that even in his youngest years, he would’ve had too much pride to do so.

“Organic chemistry, the basics…”

“That’s genuinely one of the easiest subjects you can learn in chemistry, how can you not understand?”

“I just don’t.”

“Are you at least paying attention during your class?” Kihyun raises his brows, pretty sure that Changkyun hasn’t, yet still hoping he did. They stare at each other for seconds until guilt catches Changkyun up when he lowers his eyes. “I knew it.” Kihyun sighs. In cartoons, his soul would be leaving his body with angel wings.

“It’s just so hard, why should I waste my energy trying when I know I won’t understand it anyway.” Changkyun complains, enunciation low and broken like a child, pouting. Forcing his lips forward, he hunches his shoulders and there’s nothing more devastating to see than a sulking Changkyun to Kihyun, but he can’t say that.

“How can you know if you don’t try?”

“I just know.”

“Listen, If _Yoo can do it, you can do it._ ” he says in english, taking his tutoring to heart. Changkyun laughs earnestly, very much aware of how Kihyun hates nicknames or puns based on his name. It motivates him, and they get going for the third Kihyun’s home assisting lesson of this month. Nothing particularly stands out from the others, Changkyun focuses, chews (or destroys) the tip of his pen, and asks questions when his brain doesn’t keep the pace. Nothing out of the ordinary for two students. When Changkyun finds it hard, Kihyun explains it another way, and another, because the perfect method doesn’t exist. He knows it. So he remains patient.

But after a dozen exercises, he runs out of words. “Are you still listening or am I talking to a wall?”

“I’m so tired, hyung, my brain cells are begging for a break.” The younger sighs loudly for what seems to be the hundredth time of the last fifteen minutes. Kihyun isn’t cruel, he knows that to concentrate for three hours straight needs a lot more energy than people usually dare to admit, so Changkyun’s fatigue makes sense. Granting him a well deserved break temps Kihyun, but he chooses otherwise.

“You only have 2 exercices left for you to see every main point of the lesson, we’re almost done...”

“I really can’t, my head hurts. I’ll do these exercises tomorrow and send them to you, okay? I’ll read my lessons very carefully before making them, so I’ll try my best. But now, I need a drink. And a nap…”

Kihyun straightens up on his chair, stretching some muscles and yawning. He is tired himself so it’s not hard to give in. As long as he gave his reasoning speech to ease his conscience. “Sure… Tomorrow, without fail.”

“Yay!” Changkyun tidies his desk, putting papers with books away and writing tools in cases. “What do you want to drink? I’m getting the apple juice I made myself before yesterday. You should taste it.”

“I’d like to, but it’s getting late and I don’t want to be half asleep on the road, so another time.”

It’s not that Kihyun hates it or is scared to drive at night -he finds it relaxing sometimes- but he only has one life, so why would he take unnecessary risks? So it _worries_ him is the good word. Scared is a big one that shouldn’t be used like crazy.

_You have to mean it to say it._

“Why wouldn’t you stay the night?”

Just like he is scared of Changkyun when the boy suggests a sleepover.

“It’s saturday anyway.”

Kihyun already slept with Jooheon, Minhyuk and God- even Hyungwon and his up-to-the-sky-tall legs. _It’s not a big deal_ but his heart threw itself into a panic like an hyperactive dog who saw their master coming with food.

Sleeping with Changkyun shouldn’t be associated with such a craving though?

“Hyung?”

“Sure.” The answer slides off his tongue in spite of his blacked out brain and all he registers is Changkyun’s smile, happy that he managed to make his hyung stay, when Kihyun feels fucked but doesn’t at least know why.

_In what kind of trouble has he put his nose into?_

_______

Marked up date in Changkyun’s agenda, August 16th is the day he can’t stop staring at Kihyun with pigtails on top of his fluffy hair, and also the day the latter threatens to slap Changkyun the most.

On this Sunday, he finally got the authorization to visit the day care center where Kihyun works at, and he’s going to live every moment to its fullest. It’s funny to watch the man he used to find intimidating and confident when they met being tackled to the ground by a rush of 5 years old children. It’s cute to discover his soft sides as he wipes the mouth of a little boy that still hasn’t learnt to eat properly. It’s heartbreaking to see him comfort a kid whom Changkyun made cry… and so, it’s less fun to know that his deep voice is not appreciated by the youngests, and absolutely everything he says scares them away.

He tries to pay it no mind, sitting as a spectator in a corner and playing the circus clown: even the center’s owner laughed at him, but the old woman was overly kind to him since she accepted Kihyun’s request to assist the day. So he takes the twisted knife in the wound with fake pleasure.

“Teacher Im!” Changkyun hears a cute high pitched voice enthusiastically call out to him, and he turns his head. He instantly recognizes the girl, the only child who actually seems to enjoy his presence.

“Maria.” He smiles, petting her head when the girl approaches him after a run. “What can I do for you?”

“Can you read this word? I don’t understand.” She mumbles, landing him a thin book with a shy pout. Meanwhile Kihyun struggled with playful kids since early in the morning, she rather read books or play puzzles. She strangely looks like Changkyun’s young self. Improving his knowledge more and more… He misses these days.

“Sure, which one is it?” He turns the book around to read in the right way, putting it on his thighs before Maria points her index next to the said complicated word. “Oh. It’s _engagement._ ”

“What is an… engagement?”

“Hm-” Changkyun thinks for a second, looking at the ceiling for a second to then taking a breath. “It’s when a person proposes to another person, they promise to marry each other.”

“To marry?”

Her ignorance is so cute, honestly, Changkyun can’t help but smile, covering her hand with both of his. “It’s a ceremony where two people who love each other promise to stay together forever.”

Maria smiles wide, dimples digging deep in her cheeks. “Oh!! Can I marry my mom?”

“No,” Changkyun laughs, letting his head drop. “It can’t be your family… One day, you will meet someone you will love more than anyone else, and then you can marry them.”

The little girl nods her head in understanding, quite disappointed that she can’t marry her mother, but she seems to get over it, as she takes her book back, gripping it against her chest.

“But you’re still young, don’t think about that yet. Perhaps, if you don’t want to get married, you don’t have to, okay?” Pinching her cheek, he smiles a last time.

“Teacher Im, do you want to get married?”

Embarrassment grows on his face as he lets out a nervous smile, he knows his ears are red by their heat. “Y-Yeah? I mean, it would be awesome.”

“Oh, then, we can marry if you want!”

“Oh oh~~~ Whatever is happening there is pretty interesting.” Kihyun appears, walking to them and taking off his so-unfairly-cute-pigtails the kids gave him earlier.

Changkyun notices his sly smirk and hides his own smile behind his palm, pretty sure Kihyun saw how red he is.

“Teacher Im can’t marry you, you are too young.”

“Age is important?” She asks, looking up at the tall man that Kihyun is.

“Of course it is.” Kihyun squats down to her level and plays with her bangs, putting some strands away from her eyes.

“You are almost the same age as Teacher Im, right? Why don’t you marry him? He really wants to get married!”

Changkyun’s eyes widen big time. “God…”

“No, It’s not possible.” Kihyun whispers and Changkyun can’t understand how calm his talking is. “I don’t want to marry anyone. Don’t tell your parents, but I find the whole event very long, pointless and boring. If you love someone, just tell them. No need of… a contract or a jewel to prove that.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun giggles, “Stop that already, I don’t think you’re supposed to say things like this.” He stops Kihyun, looking around the room in hope the center’s owner didn’t hear them.

“It’s not a crime to find weddings cringe.” Kihyun squints at the younger, trying to prove his point.

“What does cringe mean?” The little girl asks, and Changkyun remembers she’s still here, listening to their every word.

“Nothing! Teacher Yoo is saying nonsense, he must be sick today.” He gets up from his seat, taking Maria’s shoulders delicately before leading her to the playing field with the other kids. “You should go have fun with your friends, it’s contagious.”

Maria is quickly pushed away from the older, eyeing her teachers with an open mouth. Kihyun muffles a laugh, listening to Changkyun reassure the sweet girl when she asks if _Teacher Yoo_ is okay. Without hesitation, he answers that _yes_ , Kihyun is okay. Stupidity never killed anyone until now.

“Why did you have to tell that?” Changkyun playfully comes back to the older.

“What about?”

“About weddings. Her mom may complain if Maria tells her what you said.”

“I didn’t say anything rude.”

Changkyun sighs, sitting on the floor next to Kihyun, back against the wall. “Was it true?”

“Yeah… Why would I lie?” Kihyun answers, watching the kids play far from them. He can take a breath, so he enjoys his minutes off.

“I don’t know… It’s just- Weddings are beautiful. It’s like, life’s goal.”

“Society says that.” Raising his brows, Kihyun smiles at Changkyun before paying attention to the children again. “To me, it’s just plenty boring. It’s embarrassing speeches, fake people that congratulate you to be polite, it’s wasted money on a useless and meaningful contract since divorce exists, and on a stressful day, like, in hell I would allow myself to feel fucking _stress_ on the supposed-to-be most beautiful day of my life.”

There’s a silence between them, before Changkyun blinks. “I- I never tried to see it from another angle.”

“I’m not saying getting married is bad. It’s just useless to me. And it’s pissing me off that my parents keep coming at me saying, like you did, that I should get married soon, because if not, my life is, I quote, _pointless._ Please. We’re in 2020 for fuck’s sake.”

Kihyun soon notices Changkyun’s stony face, patting his shoulder. “But don’t worry, I understand your opinion, and when you get married, I’ll be there with pleasure. If I get an invitation, of course.” He giggles as he stands up.

“Hyung, I can’t…. get married.”

There’s a long, silent moment before Kihyun looks back to him. Blinking to force the shock to leave him.

“I told you…” Changkyun’s voice is weaker, lip bitten between his teeth, and his eyes meet Kihyun’s, staring. “I want to, but I can’t.”

They both know what the other is thinking about. That night in which they shared a bed. A night so common in friendships, it shouldn’t be remembered. But Kihyun just has to think hard, and he can hear Changkyun’s voice again.

“I’m so tired…”

“I know… ” Kihyun whispered back naturally. Changkyun had annoyed him to sleep early, but in bed, he wouldn’t close his eyes. “Sleep already, and you’ll get better.”

“You don’t get it…”

Something wrong tickled Kihyun, a frown forming on his brows, “Explain then.”

From behind, he could hear Changkyun sigh, and if he hadn’t answered in the following second, Kihyun would have thought he fell asleep. “Hyung…”

“Hm?”

“Have you already… fell in love? Once in your life…?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Just because… Answer me.”

“Yeah? Of course I had.” Changkyun stayed silent, and so Kihyun asked, “Why?”

“I- Me too.”

He didn’t understand where the younger was going. “Cool?”

“No- I mean…”

Blame his lack of patience, Kihyun turned around on the covers, startling Changkyun. Face to face, the latter seemed more nervous, for a reason that escaped Kihyun.

“You- You can’t- Don’t look at me like that... Let it go, I’m going to sleep.” Burying his face on his pillow, Changkyun rested on his stomach and hummed sleepily.

“You’re being annoying. Just tell me.” Kihyun kept staring at some curls on top of his head, _it’s cute_ , they were close now, _it’s good_ , so he ran his hand through Changkyun’s hair. Somehow, it woke him up from his trance, as Changkyun turned his head to Kihyun’s side.

“So?” He raised his brows, hand still in these soft curly hair. _Too soft._

“Have you already loved someone you’re not allowed to?”

Kihyun squinted. “What? No…”

Changkyun showed a fake smile, looking away a second.

“Have you?”

Their eyes met again, but he didn’t answer. “Seriously?”

Another sigh.

“Is it… someone blood related?”

“No.”

“Then… a teacher?”

“No…”

Kihyun stopped there. He rolled on his back, eyes lost on the ceiling. He wasn’t stupid: there wasn’t this much prohibited relationships on this shitty country.

_A coming out?_

_That couldn’t be… Really? In the middle of the night? Out of nowhere?_

He thought and thought again, harder. He must have missed something, but no. Nothing.

_Why saying it now? To Kihyun? For which purpose?_

Was Changkyun feeling the same bang in his heart each time they met?

_No… No way._

“You should sleep. It’s getting late.” Kihyun turned around one last time to face the wall, and missed the disappointed glow on Changkyun’s eyes. _He couldn’t watch that._

That night, it took an hour for him to find peace and sleep on the edge of a heart attack.

So he perfectly knows what Changkyun is talking about when he says he can’t get married. Both do. Although, Kihyun never imagined the subject would drop on the table so soon, in a kids center. He can ignore it again and pretend they never engaged this conversation. He can say something rude, like _“You can get married, stop your bullshit,”_ but that would be against his own values.

Because he _knows_ what it is all about.

So Kihyun breathes in, glances up quickly. He wants to _leave._ “Me either.” So he steps away.

If the whispered, short remark triggers Changkyun’s curiosity, rather he understands it or not, the latter doesn’t speak it up. Or rather, he doesn’t let any hint that can help the older at all, teasing Kihyun by ignoring him or giving him the hardest kids to deal with instead. Hours past, and he sees right through his little game, more amused than he admitted.

They just let it pass.

The kids appear to be more open to Changkyun during the afternoon after Kihyun takes pity on him and introduces the younger to them properly. Some laughs, soft words, and even the poor child Changkyun made cry start to appreciate him. Not that he comes to him at all, but he stopped avoiding him, and it's a huge step.

Overall, nothing much is worth pointing out. The kids take a nap, eat, play, some take another nap in tales reading time, and 4pm comes.

The center’s owner welcomes the parents, ending their day together.

Changkyun helps the kids to put on their jackets and gives them their little bags, kissing foreheads on the way. They may not have opened up much to him, but he likes them.

Kihyun kneels down on the hallway, tying the laces of a young girl.

A chill afternoon until said girl is brutally snatched away from kihyun. Changkyun sees an old woman taking her child (Yeona, if he remembers well) by her shoulders. Kihyun looks shaken up, eyes wide.

“I heard a Yoo Kihyun works here, but I didn’t believe it. How were you allowed to work here? What a shame!” The woman talks too loudly in the small room, and taken aback, all confused, Changkyun tries to understand, casting a glance at Kihyun.

They haven't known each other for a long time, but Changkyun can tell that whatever painted all over his face is no longer surprise. It’s _fright_.

“If you did anything to my daughter, I'll give you hell for that!”

Yeona is pulled out of the center by her mother, and a second later, the silence falls. Everyone is staring, the kids, the other parents, Changkyun, and now even the center owner, who surely heard everything.

Kihyun stays still, barely looking at anyone, lost in a blurry mental escape. For a second, Changkyun is convinced he’s on the verge of crying, but Kihyun stands up fast, turns around and in an instant, he’s out.

_...What?_

Changkyun is about to stand up, reassured when the center owner smiles at him kindly, whispering: “Go and see him, I’ll handle it.” He understands she talks about the few last children, and with a thankful bow, he runs towards the staff room, where Kihyun went to hide.

“Hyung…? Are you there?” He calls him and knocks on the door, once, twice, thrice, before the older opens the door, a little pissed, and immediately goes back to the locker to take his stuff.

“Is everything okay?” Changkyun asks softly, closing the door behind himself. To be honest, he is quite scared to say anything when he notices how abrupt Kihyun is in his movements, quickly putting on his jacket and his watch -basically everything the staff has to take off before the day starts. “Hyung-”

“Get ready, I’ll wait for you in the car.” Kihyun shuts the locker -almost breaking it- and passes by Changkyun, unblinking. Unable to look at him in the eyes.

The door closes once more, and Changkyun feels an adrenaline rush growing somewhere deep, this feeling of being no more than a stranger harshly coming back.

Kihyun doesn’t say anything about the woman’s words. Or actually, he doesn’t say anything at all. He’s been awfully silent, whether in the staff room, during the ride, or when he types the digicode to enter his house, which is the exact moment Changkyun realizes Kihyun’s hand trembles.

No need to sugarcoat it, Changkyun feels like shit. The same gut-wrenching nausea deep in his throat he had at the basketball championship after Kihyun told him where to get off. He didn’t say it, but implied it. And now, he’s acting exactly the same. Kihyun acknowledges his presence by letting the door open behind for the younger, but doesn’t look at him or spend a single word. Last time, Changkyun let it go. They weren’t close enough.

Today is another story.

“Hyung-”

“I’m going to take a shower.”

“Hyung!” he avoids to yell, just raising his voice higher than Kihyun’s to let him know that he won’t back down this time. And it works. Kihyun turns around and stops in the middle of the living room, his steps originally directed to the bathroom. Looking above his shoulder, he grimly meets Changkyun’s eyes.

“I don’t understand why there are so many people that clearly don’t appreciate you out there, Soonyoung, then that whore, and if you don’t want to talk about that with me, fine. But at least, don’t pretend nothing happened.”

Kihyun doesn’t yell, doesn’t show any sign of annoyance, or any overwhelming emotion that could be coming up. Kihyun doesn’t react, and Changkyun understands that this woman is without any doubt not the first one to insult Kihyun like that.

“Words.” He only mumbles, ending his walk to the bathroom. “Don’t treat Yeona’s mother like that.”

A sadness rush crosses Changkyun’s body, folding his stomach to his eyes, that he knows are tearing up. _Even when he addresses the problem face to face, Kihyun always takes the easy way out; avoiding this topic at all cost._

“Why? Why don’t you let me in? It’s okay if you think we’re not close friends so you can’t share your struggles with me, but… at least tell me how you feel and then I’ll leave you alone. If I can’t even help the person that saved my life when they’re sad, then what’s the point?”

Changkyun can’t go to sleep and end the day on that note. _Hell no._ If it happens, he fears to lose an unknown, deep part of Kihyun’s friendship that he cherishes so much, the trust Kihyun gave him. Nothing in this world is worth the risk of losing even the tiniest part of it.

“The point…?” Kihyun asks in a graduating tone. _Smells bad._ “Don’t you dare ask me the point of all of this,” He comes closer with heavy steps, gripping Changkyun’s jacket. His glare pierces Chagnkyun’s soul, who doesn’t feel safe for a second. “Keep doing. Keep spitting on me like all of them and call me the culprit that only tries to easy my conscience in everything I’m doing!”

“W-What?”

“Stop being so nice to me. Just stop- freaking stop!” Kihyun’s grip loosens when his wrists shake too hard, letting Changkyun stumble away, taken aback.

He ignores everything happening in Kihyun's head but the view breaks his heart.

"H-Hyung…" Changkyun tries to say something, anything that comes first in his mind. But he ends up with these words Kihyun pronounced, resonating in his skull.

_Call me the culprit…?_

"Hyung, what are you talking about?" He asks with a shaking voice.

Kihyun doesn't respond, hidden by his bangs and hands on each side of his face. "I-I'm not the angel you always portray me like..." He says. "I've made mistakes too, you know? If people hate me for it, I won't stop them..." a hand comes up, gripping the shirt resting on his heart. "But it's eating me alive and I thought that- maybe meeting you would help to soothe the pain. Even just a little…"

Changkyun feels a suffocating weight around his lungs, like he is about to hear something he isn’t allowed to.

“But in the end, I feel worse… Since you came out of nowhere, I feel like the most horrible person this world has ever known, and I hate that."

Breathing in and whipping some tears away, Kihyun steps back.

“I think- I think you can better go and take a shower… Hyung. Relax a little and we’ll talk properly…”

Against all odds, Kihyun just nods, staring at the floor with his glowing eyes, hand throwing his bangs back. “Yeah- I’m going… You should watch TV, I’ll join you later.” And on that, he lets Changkyun alone again.

They originally planned a movie night after a day of work, he was worried it may be cancelled after the incident there, but seems like it won’t. Still, the vibes will be off. So he waits. Turns on and off the TV after he found himself unable to think about anything unrelated to Kihyun’s words.

Kihyun did something bad in the past and people remember it. Nothing else than a crime crosses his mind. Even though, Changkyun still admires and likes him, no matter what he has done, because he saw how guilt devors his whole being.

So he waits, watches the moon behind the living room’s window, it doesn’t shine tonight. He waits, still, until he hears sounds from the bedroom. Kihyun must have finished showering.

“Hyu-”

Changkyun jumps back, muffling his mouth. Back against the wall next to the door let ajar, he doesn’t spare another look in the room. Kihyun didn’t hear him, _thankfully_. Otherwise, the situation would’ve been uncomfortable for both of them.

He wished he hadn't seen anything. Yet he did. There is no way in hell that he can ignore it. He already let go of a lot, to respect Kihyun’s privacy, here, _it goes too far. It concerns him too much._

Some ruffles, and Changkyun goes back on the couch faster than he left it a minute ago, welcoming his hyung with an innocent smile. _He’s getting better with time._

“Hey…”

“Hi…”

The older man sits down on the sofa, taking the remote, and Changkyun is glad he didn’t put too much distance between them. He takes it as a silent invitation to talk. “Are you okay..?”

“Hm…” Kihyun looks down at the rug, forgetting the tv momentarily. “I’m sorry about earlier… I made a scene for nothing.”

“No- Actually…” Changkyun knows he surely set his foot on a minefield, but in every way, these are time bombs, so _they have to talk about it._ “I know it’s not my business, but I thought we were close enough to share our problems… I’m sorry if I’m too invasive. I’m just worried, so I hope you’ll trust me enough one day...”

Kihyun only hums, doesn’t reply back properly, or comfort him, when the movie starts. Changkyun firstly is saddened by his behavior, but soon hears a soft mumbled “One day” and smiles. He can be patient. _It’s okay._ He’s going to let it slide.

The night could’ve been worse, movie night cancelled, and going to bed without any other exchanged words. Kihyun made an effort for it not to happen, and Changkyun secretly appreciates it.

He even considers dropping _this._

But in the middle of the movie, when tiredness attacks, he can’t hold back.

“Hyung… Can I ask you a question, quite… private?” Changkyun asks.

“It depends, go on.” Kihyun replies.

“Hm… I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable at all, so if you don’t want to answer just tell me, it won’t be awkward, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, tell me.”

“So… Is it true that you got severely hurt that day…? Because of me…”

_What?_

“What are you all of a sudden talking about?.”

“Please hyung, answer me.”

Kihyun frowns, unwilling to talk about it, since it’s ugly and only wakes up bad memories but this is Changkyun asking the question. The indirect reason for it all was since the boy was too young to know that litting a firework in a house indoors was bad. He never forced Kihyun to take risks for him or his mother.

In every other situation, he would’ve declined. Here... he can’t. Changkyun feels guilty for a misfortune that’s way beyond him. It isn’t fair.

“I got a burn mark on my back,” He sighs, sinking his neck into his shoulders, crossing his legs together on the couch to circle both his ankles with his hands. “But my life wasn't in danger, so rest your mind."

“... I knew it was because of me.” The mumble draws Kihyun’s attention, who loses the small smile he tried to put with the aim of reassuring the younger. It seems to have failed. Instead, a grimace settles. “I saw it.” Changkyun says before he can ask the meaning behind his comment, meeting his eyes straight in dark pupils. “Earlier when you were changing... I didn’t mean to watch! But… I-I saw the burn… or rather the mark.”

Kihyun’s eyes flutter when he looks away. Tongue between his teeth, he lets out a bitter laugh. He has this terrible habit of smiling in the worst moment. Surely a coping mechanism to try and convince himself everything is fine when he feels vulnerable.

Because _fuck_ , he doesn’t need pity, let alone Changkyun feeling guilty because of his clumsiness.

“Listen, whatever happened that day is not your fault, it was an accident. And that? A mosquito bite. I’m totally okay, don’t mention it anymore.” Kihyun gets up to leave, anywhere is fine. He doesn’t hold the strength to keep up with this conversation. Or at least, he tries to run away, but Changkyun grasps his shirt, immediately releasing it -worried it’s a little rude to insist but the harm has been done- once Kihyun gets back on the couch from the pull.

“C-Can I see…?”

“Huh?” He didn’t attend to sound so aggressive, eyebrows up on his forehead. _Just- can this subject be forgotten already?_

“No matter how many times you’ll say it’s not my fault, I’ll still feel bad so… Is it too much to ask to see the harm I’ve done…?” Changkyun’s hand slowly makes his way to the shirt again, barely holding the tip between his fingers. An hesitant way to beg Kihyun to stay, or to prevent him from leaving and ignore the question like he planned to. The image of the marked back, brown scars drawn from his neck to his pelvis horrified him. When he saw it, Changkyun’s brain connected the dots. An old looking burn, _huge_ to say the least, on the skin of the man that saved him in a fire, in no way in hell is life playing the coincidence card there. Kihyun got hurt and surely for Changkyun’s own sake, everyone kept it a secret.

People need to understand Changkyun is not a child anymore.

“Please hyung, I don’t want secrets between us, especially if it concerns me like that…”

Kihyun swallows, the knot in his throat longing and napping deep. Is there anything worse than a guilt trip? Changkyun isn’t actually selfish for asking this, but as much as Kihyun hates to do what he is about to, an unsaid law tells him he has no right to decline. He was wrong; thinking being friends with that boy would be harmless.

Changkyun isn’t precisely the one giving him a hard time. It’s nobody else than himself. Kihyun has to get over his trauma and learn to live with this scar, maybe be proud of it, as his parents keep saying. The younger only pushes him to, it hurts, but for the better, he has to. He can’t live like this forever.

Moving a little on the sofa to have his back turned to Changkyun, he silently crossed his forearms in front of his stomach, gripping his shirt. No words exchanged, ruling in Changkyun’s favor. Before raising it, he breathes in hard, looking at the ceiling. _Come on, Yoo Kihyun. Yoo can do it._

The clothing piece was finally moved over his head, freed from the body. A cold rush brushes him a second as he waits in an awful silence. He doesn’t know what he is waiting for, or what kind of face Changkyun is making right now, but he can feel his stare burning on his back, he never felt so naked before. Physically or psychologically. His blood and tears relate to the burn, showing this weak and vulnerable side of him that his pride hides more each day. The shirt on Kihyun’s wrists itches, pleading to be pulled back on. _Resist._

Then he jolts lightly, fingers touching his back, making their way from his hip to the spinal cord, higher up, he guesses where the scar’s traces are the darkest. If truth be told, it has been a very long time since he last took a look at his back in a mirror. The hatred he devoted himself to transformed a simple mark into a monstrosity living out of his memory sometimes. Or so he pretends to, like it isn’t even there in the first place. No matter how hard he convinces himself, he is well remembered that the scar is printed on forever as Changkyun stares, touches, feels his literal trauma so gently Kihyun knows his eyes water at this.

“Hyung, I’m- I’m so sorry.” Changkyun gulps, voice weak, and Kihyun finally looks behind. Upon his shoulder, their eyes meet. All wide, glossy, sharing their silent _sorry, and thank you so much, meeting you changed me forever, I’ll never regret it, It’s our story._

Lungs empty for the time their exchange lasts, Changkyun breathes. Like a lightning strike, Kihyun leans in, the act evident; fate asked for it.

Their lips connect, and they kiss.

Hands on the couch to support himself, Kihyun turns to face the other, closer, kissing deeper. He doesn’t move away to ensure Changkyun wants it, and is willing to go further. Deep down, he knows they both yearned for it. And fuck, Kihyun may have denied it, but he wants to suck that mouth so damn hard. Taste him, devour his tongue, lick those provocative cutely smiling shape lips.

Changkyun unlocks his lips, responsive as they slide against each other in obscene wet sounds. _Of course he wants it too._

His hand that was forced off Kihyun’s back comes to his abs, to touch skin, to be close, closer and feel until he feels too much and goes numb. Their bodies craved for it, the monster of their feelings locked up in a cage for too long for them to hold back.

Quickly, Kihyun is pushed against the backrest and soon finds Changkyun on his lap, chests and thighs meeting; none of them pull apart for a millisecond, still hungrily sucking each other’s red puffy lips. The younger, as curious as the young being he is, lays his hands on Kihyun’s shoulders, down his collar bones, nipples, ribs, belly-

_And it stops there._

“Hey,” Kihyun moves his head away on the side and whispers in a huff, out of breath. Changkyun, though, doesn’t seem to care at all. He tilts enough to find Kihyun’s lips again, _but no, if there’s a dominant here, it’s Kihyun._ “Changkyun.” He puts his hand on the man’s chest, putting some distance between them, as faint as it is, then staring right in his eyes.

He realises how _fucked_ Changkyun looks right now. All because of -or rather thank to- him. Breathing in and out deep, eyelids flickering and above all, red burning cheeks. Despite this controversial fact, Changkyun stares back, without any hesitation or shyness. He looks so confident Kihyun doesn’t think he ever saw such a bold expression on this cute face.

Just when Kihyun is dazed by his oh-so-beautiful, _sexy, fucked_ face, Changkyun has to open his evil mouth.

“I want to suck your dick so bad.”

“Since when are you talking like that?”

Changkyun smirks, chest sensitively trembling in quiet laughter. “I thought about it the other day on the basketball court, you looked all sweaty and exhausted. I’ve wanted to give you a head since then.”

Kihyun looks at him, confused by his sudden change in behavior. Hormones do a weird job. “You’re only eighteen, kid,”

“Eighteen and a half, legal age to get fucked and married, thank you so much.” Then Changkyun looks up, “Oh that’s right, you don’t want to get married.”

“You remember that.” Kihyun doesn’t look away from him. _He’s just that beautiful._

“Yeah. But if I can’t marry you I can still fuck you.” Looking down and meeting his gaze again, Changkyun drops a smack on his lips. “You always acted pretty gay to be straight to me but I still had some doubts.” Another one. “Glad I was wrong.” And a last.

They kiss, or Changkyun kisses, longer, eyes closed. Arms surrounding his neck, Kihyun can’t respond, too lost in his thoughts.

_“If I can’t marry you... “_

That kid… has feelings for him, doesn’t he?

He won’t let himself be fooled. Changkyun is a delicate person, who feels more than he shows or admits. He certainly tends to be introverted, although he might seem to be very happy, friendly and outgoing, Kihyun knows inside, his soul yells otherwise.

Changkyun is the type of person that puts others first, does everything to make the ones he loves smile, and holds back his tears until he’s alone to cry. Kihyun knows. He might have never seen those weak sides of the boy, but he knows… because he is exactly the same.

It’s not his first kiss. He experienced plenty. With strangers, friends, and so ex-lovers. This one though, doesn’t sit right with him. Changkyun has nothing in common with the few people he allowed to taste his lips. He is the kid he saved from a fire, the one and only young little one still crying in this burning house that will haunt Kihyun to his grave.

This isn’t love. This is admiration, misinterpret admiration and physical attraction that led Changkyun on his lap. Nothing more, nothing less.

So he lets him kiss, unfold his belt. Open the button… then the zip. Kihyun finally lets out a sigh, giving in, head leaning back when he feels fingers making their way in his underwear and grabbing his cock. Changkyun knows what he is doing. He will come back to his senses and realise whatever his heart tells him at this moment is a pure illusion. In the end, they will remember today as friends that crossed the line for fun.

It’s okay. Just this once. Kihyun will remember.

“Do you like it slow or fast?” Changkyun asks, slowly moving his hand up and down his length to awaken the half hard member. By the time he stopped sucking Kihyun’s soul out of his body, he started to bite and lick his neck. _Feeling explorer tonight._

“...Tight.” Kihyun only responds.

“Oh.” By the sensation of Changkyun’s lips on his skin, he can tell he is smiling, immediately gripping his dick, _tighter._

Kihyun moans deeply, a groan of satisfaction crossing his body. If whatever they are doing is escalating the way Kihyun thinks it’s then he won’t even remember his own name in a few minutes.

“Are you into using a cock ring? It never crossed my mind.” Changkyun teased, laughing in a kinky way that would make Kihyun retort in another situation. The hands stroke him shamelessly, tight and wet, now that some precums got out. He feels too good to care about his pride. “It’s kinda hot, not gonna lie.”

“Then… Are you into some humiliation kink or somethin’? I feel like you love being called names during sex.”

Changkyun’s lips and hand go slower for a second. “Ah.” He scoffs. “I’m exposed.” A deep voiced chuckle lingers in the air, resonating through his vocal cords. _His voice is pleasurable… he should record an audio book._

That aside, a few breaths from Kihyun spare them a silence, whispering after a short moment of hesitation. “...Don’t count on me for that.”

This time, the younger stops everything, sitting straight to see Kihyun’s face. Eyes round. “Hyung… Are you the type of person that hugs, holds hands and says _I love you_ in the most perverted moments of your life?”

Kihyun squints his eyes, titling his head to silently ask, _what’s wrong with that?_ and Changkyun smiles so wide, as if he just discovered the biggest secret of the century.

“Wow, so we both act totally opposite in bed that we do in real life, It’s unbelievable.”

“Yeah… You talk a lot more than usual for someone who said they dreamed of giving me a head.” His dick totally took control over his brain by now.

“Aw~” Changkyun notes it somewhere in the back of his mind, smirking as he goes back to coloring his neck of hickeys and slow pumps over his member. “Just say you can’t wait because it’s been awhile you didn’t get laid, hyung.” He surely spat in his hand to lubricate in between, Kihyun drowns too deep in pleasure to be shocked about this detail.

“Can’t hide anything from you, can I?”

“Wait, seriously?”

“What?

“It’s been awhile?”

“Last in 2018? Early 2018… Two years and a half.”

“You’re handsome, what’s stopping you?”

_Feelings._

That’s what almost slipped off Kihyun’s tongue. He can’t have sex if there’s no feelings involved but he can’t say that either.

“It’s hard to find a gay man in that country, you know? Harder if I want someone as cute as me~” _Hell, he becomes petty._

“Are you saying I’m cute?”

_Off the fucking point._

“I’m saying you’re cute literally all the time.”

It was silent for a few seconds.  
  
“You never said that.”

“I never?”

Changkyun lifts his glance to look at the older, and once the eye contact has been made, he shakes his head. _It shouldn’t be a big deal._

“Oh. Well. I say you’re cute in my mind all the time.”

And that’s when warm, blistering and glossy lips engulf his cock in the sweetest way.

Kihyun cracks a loud moan, grabs hold of strokes of hair behind Changkyun’s ears spiritedly, “o-oh, baby.”

The word unconsciously slips off his tongue, a bitter sweet mistake he can’t wait to commit again, even after Changkyun softly sinks teeth in his family jewels. Warning conveyed, pet names? A huge no. Though, he can still feel all his ex partners shaking their heads at this bullshit.

Kihyun is too soft for his own good in bed, now let’s hope he won’t end up castrated.

On one side, the way Changkyun licks and sucks his member like the sweetest lollipop to have ever existed gives him enough confidence to think it’s all an act, and the younger only tries to appear tough to keep some pride.

_That’s cute._

“Are you suddenly going into the real deal just so you don’t have to answer?”

Changkyun pants, breathing by his nose as his mouth sinks down over and over, gagging on its size until his guts roll up his throat, because fuck, he didn’t expect Kihyun to grow bigger once fully hard.

“You like it don’t you? To be called cute? Handsome? Beautiful? Pretty? Lovely? Damn sexy?”

Changkyun sucks up, opening his lips to let Kihyun length out of his throat. “Stop that, or I seriously bite.”

“oh-oh o-o-oh! Let’s not get there, okay?” Kihyun laughs nervously, noticing proudly how Changkyun’s ears turned into little cherry tomatoes. He won’t go further for now, but he will make sure to tease him with the cutest nicknames later on.

Changkyun takes his dick in his mouth again and Kihyun grips his soft brown hair, eyes rolling to the back of sockets and air filling his lungs. It’s been so long since other than his hand touched him that he feels sensitive. Moaning and groaning like an horny dog. He can’t stop his hips from lifting from time to times, deep throating the younger, who seemed into that as well.

_Kinky._

The heat and wetness surrounding his dick is awesome, he would sleep and live in Changkyun’s mouth if he could.

The warmth around it eventually goes away, and Kihyun opens his eyes again. Lips touch his before he gets the time to register, messily making out. A hand makes its way on his tight pants under their panting slimy kiss, sliding to his hip and back. He’s pressing in the skin just right, bodly enough to avoid any tickle. It’s hot, the experience Changkyun holds in each sexy manner.

Kihyun doesn’t have anything to do. Any movement from the man on his lap is overwhelming and drives his libido insane, from his tongue playing with his, to Kihyun’s length let alone standing straight, wet and naked on the edge of easing off the pressure.

Or to Changkyun’s fingers slipping in his butt crack.

“H-H-Hey…!” Kihyuns interrupts him, venting his lungs. Chins centimeters apart, Changkyun’s hot breath mixes his, leading the intimacy of the act to another level.

Now and only now, Kihyun releases how much Changkyun grew up.

He’s a man now.

“That place’s a private property, angel.”

“Stop with the names.” Changkyun says, huskily, spellbinding. Tugging his dick hard in his palm.

Kihyun gasps, holding Changkyn’s shoulder. “Then why in hell are you touching my asshole-”

“Don’t you want me?”

“I want you-”

“Then what’s the problem?” He whispers in Kihyun’s ear, going back to love bites.

_Fuck, that’s love now-_

“God I thought of fucking you so many times but in none of my dreams it went like this.”

“Glad to know I’m your fantasy.”

“Not in that way, you- a-ah!” Kihyun reaches an embarrassing high note after Changkyun fingers penetrated his rim, pants down his thighs. When was it pulled down?

“Am I your first?” Changkyun mutters, teeth on his pulse point. _Maybe that would explain why his heart beats so fast-_

“My neck hurts, are you a fucking vampire?”

“Tell me.” Changkyun seems to listen, going back to his groin and sucking to bury his nose in pubic hair.

“A-Ah!” Kihyun squeezes his shoulder, thighs shivering. “That deep voice of yours will be the end of me, I swear-”

By now, two fingers -or three, Kihyun is too light headed to actually count- scissor his insides, maybe even rubbing his prostate, he can’t tell. He’s stretched, feeling too wet and too much, and well self conscious to admit he never submitted to anyone before.

“O-Oh-- the-there! Fuck-” Kihyun moans, eyes sprinkling in tears from overstimulation. Muscles contracting, he digs himself deeper in Changkyun’s mouth and shudders, spitting out in his throat without taking the time to warn him.

He discovers new sides of himself everyday.

“S-Sorry…” He pants, drained and exhausted. His whole body gave up on him, out of energy.

Through his heavy lids, Kihyun sees his crotch leaving Changkyun’s mouth, which stays closed. _He swallowed?_

But then he stands up, grips the older’s calves and yanks him forward, forcing him to lay on the couch. His pants are taken off completely, thrown on the floor before Kihyun can give his opinion. When Changkyun opens his own fly and places himself between Kihyun’s legs, he understands they are far from being over yet.

“W-Wait.” Fear settles, or rather worry -He learnt from his partners the first time hurts. He has every right to be anxious. “What are you-”

“Let me take you, hyung.” He says, lowering himself on the older and closing the gaps between them.

Despite these words that made his heart skip a beat again, Kihyun finds it soothing and comforting, the way their lips move so slowly together, _full of care-_ allowing his stiff body to relax and melt into the kiss.

_He kisses a lot…_

“Condoms?” Changkyun asks between pecks.

“My room…Nightstand drawer...” All resistance thoughts out of sight, Kihyun gives in, trusting the younger.

The next second, Changkyun is up and opening the door of his room, getting out with a dark blue wrapping he knows too well being ripped between his teeth after an unbearable wait. Kihyun is hard again and even though he never tried multiple orgams in one night, he knows that if Changkyun plays with his hormones like this any longer, he won’t be able to touch his dick for _days_ even to clean up in the shower.

“That shirt is so sexy on you, hyung.” He comes back, immediately dropping his knees on the couch between his legs, and Kihyun remembers that his oversized shirt he just put back on for some ridiculous prudish purposes has a childish hamster drawing on the heart side, and as much as he wanted to throw it away yet this morning, his modest part begs him to keep it on. He may have his cock out and dripping wet, with nothing else to keep hidden anymore, he still wants to be covered from these piercing almond shaped eyes.

_God knows he loves them._

_They’re just overwhelming._

“Oh, hyung, you’re so pretty. I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” Kihyun’s shoulders slightly jump at the sight of Changkyun’s dick, hard and out after the latter lowered his underwear to roll the condom down its length with some lubes he brought. It’s not huge, but long, _a little cute-_ and Kihyun would have smiled if Changkyun didn’t just plant a kiss on his lips and take the tip of his crotch to his hole, excited to get to the main game. Kihyun can’t watch this.

“Are you comfortable? Like this.” Changkyun asks, entering the tip and gripping his hips to bring him down.

Kihyun stops breathing, ripped open but the pain isn’t there, surely because Changkyun overdid it with the lube; he won’t complain. It feels different, but good, very good, he wants it deeper, so deep he’d bleed from the inside, “I’m perfectly fine,” he says. It takes everything not to beg him to go in faster.

“You’re so tight-” Changkyun grits his teeth, head falling backwards once fully inside.

They stay still, unmoving and taking their breath, time for Kihyun to adapt. “T-Take that off,” he tugs at Changkyun’s shirt, “You’re totally dressed up unlike me, it’s unfair…”

Changkyun scans him for a moment, silent and Kihyun almost gets intimidated before he takes it off, throwing the cloth with the jeans on the floor.

He clearly doesn’t have an athletic build, but a round navel resting on a round white tummy.

“How cute,” he mumbles and Changkyun thrusts hard into him, stealing a growl out of him. Once, twice, thrice, rusting harder and harder.

“Ah- fuck, g-good, so good--there- Kyun…!” Kihyun moans pretty quietly between small talks, whimpers going straight to Changkyun’s pounding dick. His shameless behavior turns to red burning cheeks when a hand gently brushes his cheek, resting there as Changkyun snuggles up to him, chest on chest, kissing his other cheek. He growls of pleasure, nibbling at Kihyun’s ear, still holding him gently and protectively.

Kihyun sees himself on a roller coaster, and it’s nothing like this. _This_ is mind blowing; there’s an urge to cry that watches him out very closely, and he doesn’t know why.

So he wraps his arms around Changkyun’s chest, keeping him close as long as he still can, closing his lids firmly. “S-Stay here-...”

_Stay with me._

“I’m not going anywhere.” Changkyuns huffs a laugh, and Kihyun cracks. Cum all over his chest, consciousness gets hard to gather, excitement brought to fever pitch. His body shakes from head to toes, while Changkyun ends his yankings, burying himself deep inside on a last slam.

Kihyun waits to catch his breath back, fully aware of how genuinely hugging they are, “Go put the condom on the trash… I feel dirty.”

“But hyung~ You’re so warm, let me in for a minute.” Changkyuns drops his entire weight on the older, hidden in the crook of his neck and unwilling to move.

“... Put it out already or that never happens again-” the length slides out of him fast, and the emptiness confirms Changkyun’s saying: it was warm. He misses it.

“That… will happen again?”

“I fucking gave you my first time, say it wasn’t good and you’ll never see the sun rise again.” Kihyun grumbles, softly pushing the younger off him to go and clean up in the bathroom.

“So I’m really your first…”

“On _that_ side,” He precises.

Changkyun snorts, hiding his mouth behind his hand not to be yelled at. “You sound so-” a deep chuckle breaks out his lips, leaving Kihyun dissatisfied.

“I sound what?”

On the couch, the younger puts on his shirt and pants properly, closing the zip and going to throw the condom in the kitchen trash. “You sound like someone who saves a stupid kid so he can fuck you 10 years later?”

“Talk like that again-” Kihyun snaps, throwing a slipper that rested next to the bathroom’s door low enough to hit Changkyun’s legs. The latter jumps, laughing and bringing a knee to his chest.

“Shall we shower together?”

“No.” Kihyun disappears in the room, facing the mirror and watching his fucked self -literally. Back against the door, he needs a moment to accept the fact that he just got penetrated by the little boy that cried in his arms 10 years ago.

He can’t tell what’s wrong or right anymore.

Last but not least, another thing he didn’t think about, is the look he missed in Changkyun’s eyes when he got rejected for the shower. In the living room, he lays on the couch, sighing to the ceiling.

It may appear futile, but ever since his youngest years, he has always been sensitive. To worsen his case, the accident he provoked led a bunch of moquery from his classmates “Who’s dumb enough to light on a firework inside?” He didn’t mind his clumsiness and stupidity, but these comments made him feel more and more guilty.

He lost his mother. The only one to blame… is him.

Back then, Changkyun had to deal with daily teasing, harsh enough for him to end up alone. _Who would want to be friends with a walking danger?_

He forged a shell that got stronger each day. If people respect and like him when he’s confident, then he’s gotta be.

Yoo Kihyun, though, didn’t break it. Because he already had his place inside that shell the day he appeared through the dark smoke, holding him tight and just saving his life. His life, a stupid, average and spoiled rotten kid’s. Changkyun could never be more grateful. Kihyun has a special place in his heart, and nothing he can do, or anyone else would change that. Especially since Kihyun accepted him for who he was, as he saw Changkyun’s vulnerable side the first second they met again on that basketball court.

There, if he feels so hurt right now, it only is because for the first time in so long, his confident behavior wasn’t fake. He has never been more honest with his words, expressions or gestures with anyone else. So he may be overthinking, his insecurities eating him up now that he is alone in this dead silent house, but he hopes Kihyun isn’t currently regretting everything.

What they had. What they shared.

The feelings he tried to convey.

All he wants is for Kihyun to understand how precious he is to Changkyun’s eyes.

Even if it means he won't get the best answer, if Kihyun wants it to stay a hook up between friends, then so be it. Changkyun can't risk losing him, can't imagine a life without him, but can't bear the thought of skipping his chance, as long as Kihyun is still single.

So he didn't. His palms touched the man he loved for years in the most intimate places, his lips kissed him like he always wanted to and his arms kept him closer, holding him in the most affectionate way, then making it painful to back away. He got his opportunity and all he can do now is wait patiently for the answer that will put a name on their future ties. If there’s even some left.

By the time Kihyun gets out of the bathroom, Changkyun is already asleep, laid on the couch. Kihyun scoffs, pitying himself. He stressed for a good quarter, prepared for a bunch of questions about their future relationship, questions he doesn’t have answers to yet.

Changkyun is offering him everything. Everything he ever wished for.

Someone he would have a good chemistry with, and that wouldn’t judge with for his past actions. The thing is, Changkyun doesn’t _know_ about these past actions yet.

Changkyun is glorifying him.

_He will wake up soon. This won’t last._

But for now, he won’t make it harder for both of them. He intended on sleeping on the couch, and letting changkyun sleep on the bed, _what a stupid thing to do after they fucked like bunnies._

For now, everything is fine. So he picks the bedcover of his room, tucking Changkyun in, and goes to sit at the other end of the couch, unfortunately too thin for them to lay besides.

He doesn’t care if his muscles ache from his position tomorrow. It’s fine. It’s good like this. As long as Changkyun is near, everything is okay.

_______

6 days later, he’s woken up by someone hammering on his front door.

So much and yet nothing happened in a week: Kihyun spent his days sleeping.

Truth to be told, he did _not_ want to ignore Changkyun. Instead, he couldn’t bring himself to respond to any of the messages he received. Regardless, he texted Hyungwon back when the later asked if he died. _No. Kihyun is still there._

He’s just pathetically tired.

Behind the door, Kihyun meets a Changkyun with a stern expression, not the one he wore after he left Kihyun’s house _that day they crossed the line_ , as he dropped a kiss on Kihyun’s lips on his way out.

“A-Are you okay?”

Kihyun blinks. “Yeah.” He thought Changkyun would blow off. _That kid’s too kind._

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks?”

“What happened? I sent you about fifty texts, and you left me on seen. I thought that maybe you regret what happened, I was so freaking scared until Minhyuk hyung told me you’re ignoring them too. Now I had to cross the country to get here, you can’t let me on your doorstep.”

At multiple times, Kihyun tried to interrupt him, that _no, he would never regret it,_ but Changkyun talked too fast to let any word slide in his speech. Confused, he simply steps back, making room for Changkyun to enter the house, which the younger does.

“I- Listen, I didn’t think you would come without notice-”

“Were you sleeping?”

“Huh? Y-Yeah…”

“At 2pm?”

“How do you know?”

“Again, you look like shit.”

Kihyun frowns; there’s no light tone on his voice, Changkyun sounds aggressive and he doesn’t like it.

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

“You ignored me hyung. For a _week_.” He insists on the last word, looking straight into his eyes. “After we _fucked_. How do you think I would feel?”

Sighing, Kihyun enters his living room, scratching his scalp. “That wasn’t against you, you did nothing bad-”

“Then you could have just said so! I was worried! I thought maybe, you didn’t like it, maybe you regret everything, maybe, who knows, you want to stop talking to me?” He speaks too loud for Kihyun’s eardrums. “Maybe my feelings were one sided the whole time!”

It wasn’t planned. Kihyun wanted to sleep today, be alone, think about his life, how to not fuck it up, or to makes things slighty as better as possible- not to receive the words we craved to hear for weeks.

“Or worse I thought I hurt you… Or that you had an accident… I don’t know, but- I just hated it. Don’t ignore me, hyung.” Changkyun’s voice softened, vocal cords shaking a little. He sounds like a child that hasn’t hugged their mom for years and Kihyun wants to succumb to this desire, hug him, tell him he’s cute, that he’s sorry, and laugh in happiness to be forgiven.

_Changkyun is here, so everything is okay, right?_

“I’m sorry. Again, it’s not against you. I just wanted to be alone.”

“Why?” The younger took off his shoes, approaching the living room to sit on a bar stool, next to Kihyun’s. “Are you- Are you confused? About… Us, I mean. I can give you time if you feel not ready-”

“No. It’s not-” Kihyun puts his elbows on the bar, head between his hands. “I went to my mom.”

“Oh?”

“And I told her.”

“T-Told her what?”

_He’s slow to the uptake._

“That I can’t marry either.”

He actually wanted to say, “That I love you too,” but saying these words to a _man_ right now only feels wrong.

Changkyun stays silent and it’s exactly why Kihyun ignored him all this time.

His mother isn’t the most lovable and open minded one can have. Despite that fact, she didn’t have the right to yell at him of how disappointed she was.

But he didn’t want to hurt Changkyun on the way. Yet, his anger needs to be released somewhere now that he triggered it.

“Hyun-”

“She’s not okay with it, Changkyun.”

“Just, give her some times,” His voice is shaking, “it can’t be that bad-”

“She said that if God gave me a dick, it’s not to put it in dirty holes. Is that enough for you to understand how disgusted she was?”

Kihyun looks at him, sees how bad Changkyun feels because of him. These words were meant to him too, but he asked for it.

_It hurts, and if one hurts in a relationship, the other does too. It’s only fair._

“It’s your mother we’re talking about,” Changkyun starts again, unconfident, playing with his fingers on his laps. He must be worried Kihyun is about to cut their ties and satisfy his mother’s wish. After all, everyone loves their mother.

That’s what pisses Kihyun off the most.

“So I know what you’re going through must not be easy, but maybe you should talk to her and then-”

“What the fuck do you know, you don’t even have a mother.”

Changkyun’s eyes grow wide, and Kihyun immediately regrets his words.

_He went too far-_

“Wait, no. S-Sorry-” his voice trembles, like his whole body shaking through fear and shame. _What the fuck did he just say?_

Tears wetting his lashes, the younger takes a deep breath and looks away. Useless to pretend he isn’t hurt as it’s painted all over his face, but he still tries, and Kihyun hates himself for it. “I get it. Deal with it alone then.”

“C-Changkyun-”

“After all I killed my mom, how did I think I could help?” Then he gets up, and after heavy steps, the door slams loudly.

On the seat, Kihyun can’t move at all, in shock. A voice somewhere in his head yells at him to go catch him up, but he knows Changkyun won’t listen to anything he’d say.

Not after this.

Maybe in a few hours, when they both will calm down, he could try to very carefully open a conversation, but right now, all he can do is sit down and pity himself, a salty water drop digging its way down his cheek.

_What has he done?_

______

The next day, not a single thing goes right. He slept four hours and twenty minutes on point but feels like he took the most uncomfortable nap on an old broken couch, dragging a tiring weight on his weak muscles. And of course Hyungwon had to make a comment about it, first this in the morning when his feet touched the university floor.

“You look like a moldy mop, what happened to you?”

“I dreamed of you tonight.”

“What a nightmare,” Minhyuk giggles, slurping his chocolate drink.

Kihyun rolls his eyes and leaves for the bathroom before his classes start. He can’t deal with them so early. Instead of joking, he should think of how to apologize to Changkyun, and at the perfect moment. He racks his brain, mentally slapping himself.

There’s not such a thing as _the perfect moment_ , no matter when, he knows it won’t be easy. Changkyun didn’t contact him, unlike the other days of the week, he stays silent, and Kihyun ignores how to take it. It’s their first serious argument, so he considers the worst scenario, in which he went too far, and Changkyun doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. But the thought made him dizzy, guilt squeezing and crushing his lungs, he had to get a confirmation that whatever they had isn’t over.

He texted him, a simple, short, insecure “Changkyun..?” and got relieved when he saw it delivered. At least, he’s not on the block list. Sooner or later, Changkyun will be open to discussion, meanwhile, _he has to grin and bear it._

“Hey, about yest-”

“YA- FUCKING HELL-” Kihyun jumps, turning off the tap. He cleaned his face before classes to calm down, but his friend has to shake his nerves again. _How unusual from Lee Minhyuk…_

“No need to yell, I didn’t want to scare you…” The older raises his hands in the air, asking for pardon.

“It’s- good, okay. Everything's okay.” _But nothing is._

“Listen, I’m sorry for the joke earlier, I tried to cheer you up, but guess I’m stupid.”

“I confirm,” Kihyun dries his hands, throwing the paper towels in the bin.

“Are you okay?”

“Can you stop asking stupid quetions?”

“Can your stubborn ass listen to me for a second?” Minhyuk snaps, gripping his shoulder to face him.

Kihyun grits his teeth and finally looks at him, exhauling by the nose. “I’m listening.”

“Changkyun said you were never sick like you told us in the group chat, so why did you just disappear for a whole week?”

_Right. He spoke to them. Fuck._

“And when we asked for an explaination he just said that you could _go to hell_ , Kihyun, what the fuck did you do?”

The blow hit Kihyun like a bolt of lightning. “He-He said that?”

“He said that.”

Changkyun is actually hurt, furious even, like expected. It shouldn’t be a shock, but to hear it still make Kihyun’s hands shake. _He hurt his baby._

“We argue because- He knows that something big happened a long time ago, I can’t tell him, you know I can’t tell him- ”

“Yeah, I know- Wait, was it because of that?”

“Hm…”

He can’t say Changkyun doesn’t actually care about his past, that he trusts and loves Kihyun and showed him how much he meant it when they slept together… Only to throw him his mother’s hatred in the face. _He can’t._

“Oh but- he’s with Soonyoung today.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I asked Changkyun to meet today so he could tell us what happened exactly since he seems mad at you, _no offense_ , and he just said that he went back home and got in touch with Soonyoung… I didn’t get it when he texted “bet he’ll be more talkative and a better company than Kihyun hyung”, but guess I do now...”

“Oh- Oh fuck, no, everything but not that, please-” Kihyun takes a grip of his hair, tearing it out.

“Hey, I don’t think anything will happen-”

“You know it will! Since that day at the championship, I saw how he fucking looked down on me, you guys just prefered to ignore it!! Of course he’ll tell Changkyun if he hasn't already!”

“We already had this discussion, it’s not your fault-”

“Let me alone, fuck off.” Kihyun bursts out of the bathroom, noticing the stares of two students that entered when he surely was too busy in hysteria.

People have always stared at him… either because he was a _hero_ or the total opposite. He stopped caring a long time ago.

Changkyun’s eyes on him though, he would never.

Outside of the school, Kihyun dials Changkyun’s number and puts his phone against his ear. _Fuck classes._ He’s going home, or whenever Changkyun is, only if he responds. That would be a good start.

Arriving at his car, he is proven once again that this day sucks. He got the answering machine, and he can’t find his keys. So he drops his forehead against the window, taking a deep, shaking breath in, and closes his eyes.

_Calm down._

“Changkyun...” he whispers to the voicemail, hoping the boy would listen. He doesn’t pour his heart out often, so he would be grateful if his following speech won’t end up as a monologue. “I’m sorry… For pushing you away when you tried to give me a shoulder to lean on, and- for saying… awful things. You can be mad, curse at me, I went too far because my mom drove me out of my mind-… No… I shouldn’t use my mom as an excuse, right?”

He chuckles in despair. He feels pathetic.

“You must be mad because I ignored you for a week after what we’ve done. I’m also sorry for that. For worrying and scaring you, I didn’t want to. You have so many reasons to be mad… There’s the incident at the center too… I know I hurt you, and yet I kept quiet. It’s not that I don’t trust you. Fuck, I’m scared of how much I trust you-” Kihyun wipes his nose, running since he started crying God knows when.

“I’m scared. I’m scared you’ll hate me if you know all these- things I’m not proud of. I’m scared you’ll give up on me once you realize I’m not the hero you see me like, I’m scared that… you’ll leave me alone. Don’t- I don’t regret it. This night. I loved it, every second of it, I love you.”

He freezes at his own words. His whole body trembles to his calves, and it’s surely the first time it isn’t caused by winter. _It’s fucking summer, there._ But he sighs again. He said it. It’s too late to go back, now.

“I love you so… I’ll do what you told me. I will talk to my mom, again and again, until she understands. I’ll give her all the time she needs so please… let me some time too. Please wait until I’m ready to show you my ugly sides, I don’t want you to hear it all from Soonyoung’s mouth or- whoever else… I promise I’ll make an effort, but if I’m late and- you know everything already… and don’t want to talk to me anymore, I get it. I get it so-” Kihyun chocks on a sob, and at this exact moment, he hates how weak he feels. _He hates himself_.

“I’m sorry.” Last sentence before he hangs up.

And on this seventh day, Kihyun finds his keys, hidden deep in his jeans’ pocket the whole time, and goes back home. He didn’t get any answer yet, and waiting for it knowing that it may never come, or that Changkyun is currently in Soonyoung’s presence makes either his blood boil, or his eyes cry, so he shuts them up and sleeps to end this hell of a week.

_______

“Where is it?”

“In your ass.”

“Yoo Kidiot, you’re being immature-”

“And you’re being nosy.”

“Coward.”

“Ugly.”

A silence cut their childish exchange, and Kihyun looks at Minhyuk, out of the corner of his eye. He used _the_ insult the older hates the most.

“Ya!” Minhyuk jumps on top of Kihyun, arm around his neck to strangle him like he so often does.

“W-Wait…!” Kihyun quickly slides his arm behind him before his back touches the couch, which he shouldn’t have done.

“I knew it!!” the grip around his throat leaves him, and hands catch Kihyun’s under his body.

“No-!” In a second, his phone is snatched away, and he curses at himself.

“I knew you had it on you, I searched all over the house.” Happy, the older grins and turns the device on, standing up from the couch to run away from Kihyun if he tries to take it back. It’s been 40 minutes since school ended for the boy who woke Kihyun at 7pm in the middle of his never ending nap.

Kihyun won’t take his phone back. He gives up. First thing he did on his way home was turning it off, postponing the verdict that Changkyun’s words would settle. Yet the clock turns, and he can’t keep this unhealthy behavior. So if he doesn’t have the courage to look or listen to whatever Changkyun sent (if he did), it’s going to be easier to hear from Minhyuk’s mouth. Since he knows everything.

He couldn’t keep his relationship with Changkyun secret.

Minhyuk just entered the house (since that sneaky mouse knows the digicode), came in Kihyun’s room when he was still all sleepy and vulnerable, found the good words, went as far as _petting his hair_ , and hidden under his cover, Kihyun whispered, admitted that _yes_ , he was in love and not ashamed for it.

Sparing him the details, obviously.

“Hm- you received 16 messages, 4 calls and… he’s coming.”

Head up, Kihyun looks at him, unmoving. They share a look and he stands up. Minhyuk doesn’t fight for the phone, _thank God_ , and Kihyun paces the floor as a stress reliever.

**“Why did you call me?”**

**“I don’t want to talk to you, what do you want??”**

**“I don’t want to listen to your voice message either. What is it?”**

**“I’m talking alone… guess i’m getting used to it.”**

**“....”**

**“i hate you really”**

**“why are you like this”**

**“Hyung answer my calls”**

**“hyung”**

**“Are you ignoring me again”**

**“is your phone off??? i always get your mailbox”**

**“HYUNG ITS 4PM”**

**“I contacted minhyuk hyung he told me you came to school but left just after wtf”**

**“if you don’t answer i’ll come”**

**“youre annoying im coming”**

**“istg if youre not home”**

Nothing.

From sixteen messages, he gets nothing.

Kihyun still doesn’t know if Changkyun is mad, or forgave him, or perhaps, he wants to beat the crap out of him-

_No. Let’s think, no panic._

The last message was sent almost 2 hours ago. Which means, Changkyun is here soon. Very soon. And Kihyun is dead.

“Oh my God.”

“What?”

“I- Should I contact him, or wait? He sounds mad, but doesn’t at the same time, I-”

“Okay, okay, what did he say?” Minhyuk asks, and Kihyun, unable to find any correct way to explain, just passes the phone in his hands again. “Oh.”

“Do you think I should hide, or…. What are you doing?”

Minhyuk looks up from the screen after some light tapping with his thumbs, but instead of answering, he lowers his eyes, ends his taps and Kihyun rushes to him.

“Sent.”

“What the hell-”

**“Where are you?”**

“Why did you send him that?!”

“So we can be clear…!”

A ringtone resonates loud as Kihyun reads Changkyun’s name on the screen. “He’s calling. Oh my God, he’s calling.”

“You should answer-”

“No.” Kihyun declines the call, letting the phone fall on the coffee table like it burnt him.

“Seriously?!”

“Try to put yourself in my place!” Another ringing, then a twice catches their attention. It doesn’t stop. This time, it’s text messages, which reassures Kihyun, who takes the device as slowly as possible under Minhyuk’s exhausted eyes.

**“At the train station in a few.”**

**“Why don’t you answer my call”**

**“I want to talk to you.”**

“He’s- still on the train. But here soon.” Kihyun bits his nail, _he’s screwed._

Lost in his thoughts, he looks at Minhyuk when the other crosses his arms, brows raised. “What?”

“Go get him, dumbass.”

“No?!”

“You’re going to put on your shoes, take your balls with you because I think you forgot them in your bed, and fucking get him.” Pushing his back, Minhyuk leaves him no choice.

“B-But it’s going to be so awkward.”

“Do you think it will be less awkward in this deadly quiet house?”

Kihyun blinks. “Right.”

“I’m always right.”

What he should have not forgotten is that Minhyuk is never right.

He got into his car, checked himself in the wing mirror because _why not looking good before being beaten to disfigure_ , sent a message to let his future aesthetic surgeon know he’s coming, and drove off.

Now he stands a few matters away from the edge of the platform, watching people rush out of the train’s doors that just opened after its arrival.

There are so many carriages that he doesn’t know where to look, where Changkyun is going to exit the train, and for a moment, he worries the younger may pass without seeing him at all.

“Hey,” a rough voice from his left startles him, and it’s Changkyun, _of course it’s Changkyun_ , hands on his black jeans pockets and face unreadable.

His piercing eyes are comforting yet so scary.

They stand here, Kihyun gulps, he doesn’t want to talk, but doesn’t want this silence either. He thinks, does his best to let him voice out, audible enough.

“I missed...you…” Embarrassment catches him fast, ears warming. He feels stupid. He feels ashamed, he feels uncomfortable, because he knows Changkyun listened to his voicemail. Heard how fragile Kihyun let himself appear on this audio, letting out his insecurities and most secret sincere feelings.

But he doesn’t regret it, so he looks at Changkyun again after he looked away, and lightly smiles. It’s an ugly smile, he doesn’t need to see it to be conscious of it. In view of Changkyun’s imperturbable face, that keeps staring at him, he knows it must be one bad grimace.

He is sorry, ashamed of his actions, yet so reassured and happy that they’re face to face right now. _He wants to cry._

Changkyun doesn’t respond nor move. He does nothing, but blink once. That is enough for Kihyun to break. Hiding behind a hand, he whines as his vision blurries. Changkyun hates him and only wants explanations. He hasn’t forgave him.

“I-I’m sorry…” He casts a glance at Changkyun again. Still no move. “I didn’t want to say that about your mother… I saw what happened to her the day of the fire, I would never-” he chokes a little, swallows, and keeps going. _It’s hard, but he has to._ “I’m sorry I said that.”

“I know.” Changkyun says very softly, and Kihyun can’t hide his actual surprise to hear his voice. He waits, nothing else comes. Changkyun still watches him, listens.

“My mom got me worked up, I’m sorry I didn’t find the strength to talk to her and took it out on you instead.”

“I know.” _Continue._

“I’m sorry that I ignored you, and made you worried, and you surely felt like shit- I’m sorry.”  
Minhyuk lied. A train station is not the good place. People are staring, he hates it. He wants to leave.

“...I know.”

“A-And,” _Changkyun still wants apologies,_ “I’m sorry for- my behavior at the center. I shouldn’t have let you worry for me like that and let you think I didn’t trust you.”

“That- I don’t really care about that.” Changkyun says, shrugging his shoulders. “You have no obligation to tell me your problems. Just got hurt by the way you treated me after, apologies accepted, but that’s not what I want to hear.”

 _What he wants to hear._ There’s still a problem.

Something he hasn’t talked about yet.

_Soonyoung._

“Have you… talked to him?”

“Soonyoung?” The fact that Changkyun immediately guesses who he talks about scares him. He simply nods.

“Yeah. I did.” He doesn’t go any further. Kihyun hates how Changkyun lets him do all the talking. He doesn’t know what’s right or wrong to say anymore.

“Oh…”

“Is it true?” _Thank God, he decides to help._

“Huh?”

“That a girl who was in love with you, killed herself after you rejected her?”

Kihyun bits his lips and looks at his shoes. He wants to cry. _Oh right. He’s already crying._ “I didn’t think she would-”

“So it’s true.”

 _It is._ Sunhi. She was everyone, yet nobody. Nothing special, she didn’t stand out. They would often find themselves together during class teamworks. But it stopped there.

Until they had to sit besides each other in art class. He got strangely along with her. Easy to talk with, a good partner, always there to give answers in difficult tests. And with time, he noticed… things.

Like the holes in her scalp, hair free. Like her severely bitten nails, too short to be just a bad habit. Like the dark marks on her wrists he could see on days she wasn’t wearing very long sleeves, strangely the days she would be the less talkative.

He tried to talk to her, and she responded that she had weak skin, hair and nails since birth, but nothing dangerous. By the light, uncaring tone she used to say it, he let it go.

He shouldn’t have.

At first, deep down, he guessed someone abused her. A parents. A sibling. A boyfriend. It didn’t matter who, he just knew, but decided to ignore it. He asked once to ease his conscience. _He asked. She didn’t want help. It ended there._

Yet he was wrong. On everything. She confessed and their relationship collapsed. Kihyun wasn’t mean, or rude, he just stayed honest: he didn’t see her _this way._

One day later, she avoided him.

Two days later, she yelled at him in front of the whole school, swearing he had been the worst person she ever met, that he _didn’t have the right to hurt her._

On impulse, he threatened to slap her if she would keep treating him like a dog.

Three days later, she commited suicide. With a letter.

“Yoo Kihyun, I loved you but you didn’t care. Hurting me is so pleasuring right? My dad was saying that too. Rot in hell.”

The letter appeared on the news, and everyone accused Kihyun of psychological manipulation and violence. He didn’t know Sunhi’s dad used to abuse her when she was young, which explains the reference about her dad, but he realized these injuries were self-inflicted. The public didn’t listen to him. She could have been depressed, or have all the mental illnesses of the world, she didn’t have any professional psychological support to confirm.

Yet he knew. The impact a parent can have on one mind, distort the perception of love completely. Her dad teached her pain meant love. So maybe Sunhi hurt herself to feel the love Kihyun wouldn’t give her. _It’s still all suppositions, he can’t and will never know. She isn’t here anymore to tell him._

The police couldn’t either. Sunhi’s mother, who raised her daughter after the divorce with her father, insisted on the fact that Kihyun never once came at their home, and nobody at school ever saw him be violent with Sunhi. Her letter was too blurry to assume, so Kihyun didn’t have any sentences. The case has been dismissed since then.

But people don’t forget. He will forever be the man that saved a kid from a fire and that lead another to suicide. Kihyun is so known either as a hero, or a murderer. There’s no in between.

“So you know.”

“Yeah.” Changkyun pinches the tip of his nose, thinking. “But Soonyoung, oh Soonyoung, he’s the worst pussy I met.”

“Huh?”

  
“I mean… He talks a lot to say crap. About how smiley, respectful and polite you are with people, but beat and rape a girl when no one’s watching.”

_Right. There’s this rumor that he abused her sexually, too._

“Cha-Changkyun,” his voice breaks, _he’s scared_ , “This-This isn’t true. I didn’t want you to learn from him, I-I never touched a single one of her hair, I swear-”

“Really?”

“Huh?”

“You promise?”

Kihyun is thrown off balance. He thought Changkyun would say another “I know,” but he’s right to ask. He admitted having regrets, have done things he is ashamed of. _Rapes and abuse could be some of them._ But no, he regrets not reaching out for her sooner when she wasn’t okay. If he did, maybe she would’ve found someone better to take care of her, and have kids now, who knows. He was a bad friend and _she_ paid the higher price.

“I promise I never did anything to her, I only regret not helping her when she needed me, when her attitude cried for help but I ignored it, if only-”

That is surely the words Changkyun waited all this time, as he steps forwards, getting his hands out of his pockets to reach Kihyun’s shoulders. A tight grip engulfs the older, who hugs him back full of fondness and reassurance. Nose hidden in Changkyun’s neck, he feels safe.

“I knew I could trust you, hyung.” The words send Kihyun’s mind somewhere no passersby stare at them, somewhere he wants to call _home_ , “Now, If I have a turn, I’m sorry you got hurt because I was stupid, and thank you. Don’t feel guilty for your friend, she wasn’t okay, and you happened to be the final straw, it’s not your fault. Instead, you should remember that if I’m here today, it’s only thanks to you and nobody else. You saved my life, and on top of that, you make me happy. If I have a last apology, it’s about the burn, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“You were young…”

“Still, I did something stupid, and I ended up meeting an amazing person when you only got a lifetime scar. You’re the one that suffered from my actions, and I’m sorry.”

_He ended up meeting an amazing person too._

“B-But you lost your mother-”

“And you had to see her die. I stand by my words.”

Kihyun’s eyes grow wide as he raises his chin away from Changkyun’s shoulder. “How do you know?”

“I remember. When you left me on the stairs to go back. I was too high with the smoke to understand you didn’t find her on the moment, but later on, my dad explained me my mom’s body was found on the kitchen and the door had apparently been knock down, so I had an idea on _who_ could’ve done that, but I wasn’t sure. I’m sorry for that.”

“Kyun, I’m- I swear I tried-”

“I know, and thank you. You have already done a lot. Thank you so much.” Changkyun tightens his grip after Kihyun previously put some distance between them. A hand on his back and another on his head, Changkyun pets his hair the same way Minhyuk did and Kihyun’s eyes tear up again. “It was hard, but you’re so strong. Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything- It’s so hard to live with-” Kihyun hiccups, “so many burdens, it’s so _heavy_ -”

“Hyung.” Changkyun removes his hands, stepping back and Kihyun dries his cheeks before his hand is gripped in another, fingers intertwined. In a few hours, thinking about _this_ , he will allow himself to blush. Right now, he is too lost in Changkyun’s dark brown eyes staring right into his.

“Don’t worry. I love you.”

At that exact moment, he feels secure. The world seems to shut down, but he can’t unhear the train passing the rails next to them, and Changkyun waits for it to be far enough, waits for silence, kisses his hand, waits. The years go by, and won’t wait for Kihyun. He needs to acknowledge it. If he keeps thinking everything will get better if he stays stuck in the past, not only time will slip through his fingers, but life too.

Changkyun is here, watching him, reminding him the clock is ticking, yet it isn’t scary.

It’s warm, but not enough to burn. It’s the kind, sweet flames of his heart that protect him from the blaze and heal scars.

“As you might know by now.. I.. love you too Kyun..” Kihyun softly replies, making Changkyun close his eyes peacefully, feeling so good inside. Letting his smile warm up by the feeling of the sun that was shining on them both.

_Everything’s going to be okay._

“I know.. I just wanted to hear it again.. from you.. not a phone...” Changkyun says, making Kihyun smile in return. “It won’t happen again” He softly giggles and promises.

“Good, we will get through this together” Changkyun promises Kihyun to keep it forever and show it to him throughout their years of fun and hardships. They love each other, and thanks to their past, they will be unbreakable.

**Author's Note:**

> Im- really sorry Shownu doesn't appear in this, I just realized at the end ;; still, thank you for reading, means a lot! Follow me on twitter!!! @2BWonkyo
> 
> PS: I'm a sucker for feedbacks, so please, It's free:)


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